At Topics Blog I found a question I think about very much… Who do I miss the most? I really wouldn’t know what to say because there are so so so many people in my life that are gone forever, far away or simply absent from my present.

I guess I could start saying that the person that occupies the first place in my “missing people” is my dad… definitely! I never imagined he was going to die before I had the chance to do so many things with my life; I was always so attached to him that in a moment I thought he would always be there for me, and I always told myself that I was not going to be able to take his death… and now I’m sure I can’t. I just can’t accept that he’s gone and that I have to learn to live without his support, without his teachings, without his wisdom… without his words of encouragement… without his will to do everything he could to help me make my dreams come true.

I cry as I write this words, because my dad’s absence is such a painful experience… only those who really know me can understand that a lifetime won’t be enough for my heart to heal. My dad was everything to me and I know that his love for me went beyond anything anyone can imagine… and I know that only my mom equals those feelings… but she’s away too, so it gets pretty lonely and sometimes I just don’t know where to go or what to do when sadness overwhelms me.

Sometimes I get angry… I don’t know with whom, maybe with God, because I believe in God and I’ve been taught that He/She is the one calls on a given moment. So I ask God: Why did you call my dad so soon? Why didn’t you give me chance to show my dad that his efforts were not in vane? Why why why? But my mother also tells me that we should never ask “Why”. So I just let days pass, grieving for my dad each one of them, not a single one without thinking that a part of the engine that moves my dreams is gone and that I will never get the strength he gave me from anyone, no matter how much I love those who are around me.

When a bad moment hit me and I start feeling sad I just remember his words: “Arriba el Coraz�n!” (which means: lift your heart!). He was so forgiving and caring, so unconditional, a real struggler, never ever complained about anything, even when life put him through the hardest tests. He was always there, no matter what he had to do… he was always there… and now he’s just gone… and my life just won’t be the same.

Yes, my dad is the one I miss the most, and the one I will miss the most until the day I’m gone too. Meanwhile, I hope that somehow he’s there helping me, giving me strength and that I can learn from his life not to be sadened for things that really don’t matter… because after all… what he did of me is a wonderful person, for he was able to do such thing… as the wonderful human being he was!

A few weeks ago I started feeling bad about something I couldn’t identify. While the days go by I’ve kind of realized what is making me upset: The fact that somehow I feel that I’m being left out of something I could make part of, but just because of the way I think or the way I express myself sometimes, I’m not worth enough to belong to certain elites.

The saddest part is that I feel I’m not only being left out, but also talked about, discussed about and even bad named. Maybe it’s just a paranoic state of mind where I prefer not to remain for a long time and instead just forget about everything and everyone that is making me feel a little miserable at times.

I’m not the kind of person who goes around doing things just to please everyone and if I have to make my point I just do it, keeping certain limits that can’t be traspassed because there is something called respect. I’m an adult… I have to behave like one, and I like behaving like one. So when I have to deal with the kind of situations where there is someone trying to be a kid I just run away.

So maybe that is why sometimes, people prefer not to have me in their projects, in their groups, in their little discussions. I mean, not directly… but sure, they always can talk about me and then come and do like nothing happened. I’m sounding kind of stupid, isn’t it? How can I put in words what I’m feeling… how can I? I guess I just don’t like to feel that one of my friends is kind of divided in two bands, when we could all be friends together and learn to be open and, again, behave like the adults we are.

Yes, I have the feeling… I have the hunch… and when such thing happens, there is a good reason. I really don’t like thinking like this, because I have so many other things to think about, so many reasons to be happy, so many more important things to deal with… but yet it upsets me. Because when you give someone the reason to dislike you, then it’s your fault; but when you don’t do any harm to others… then it’s so unfair to be treated like an old piece of junk, or just someone to use when it’s convenient.

One of the things I despise the most is self-pity. There is nothing else that destructs our lives and dreams as looking at ourselves with the kind of compassion that doesn’t let us go forward; is that self-pity we’re expressing in order to have others telling us that things are going to be ok and so on, just because our self-confidence is going down. Yes, I despise it.

However, there are somedays when I think about the burdens in my life; these three kind of delicate health situations that have me tied to medication, routine exams, constant fear; the ones that limit my day to day life, the ones I know it’s not easy to get rid of. These three: Hypothyroidism, Diabetes and a Pituitary Tumor called Prolactinoma. Sounds bad, eh? Feels even worse sometimes.

But despite how sorry I feel for myself sometimes, I have to realize, understand and admit that there is something called responsability (someone in a mailing list re-wrote it as RESPONSE-ABILITY). That responsability is the key to overcome the bad moments when I let myself drown into compassion for my situation; for no one else is going to do things for me, no one is going to see the Dr. for me, or take the medications, or pass the tests. It is me the one who’s dealing with my so-called burdens and it is me the one who’s got the power to make them lighter.

Of course it is not easy to know how threatened your life can be, realizing that one day you could be blind, lose a kidney (or both of them), die of a heart attack, not being able to conceive, lose a leg, get cancer… No, it is not easy. But at the same time there’s a little voice inside telling me that I’m not alone, that “he who looks for, will find”, that the world is moving and science with it. That there’s a solution for every little thing… for every major thing.

Then I understand that self-pity is nothing else but a way to evade that RESPONSE-ABILITY and I involve myself in a search for the truth, for the means, for the solutions. They all are there, we just have to pursuit them, instead of taking a passive role waiting for them to come to our hands.

I’m in a search for the answers, the means, the solution. I’ve asummed my response-ability… because I would give a whole life for one day of health. Because more than self-pity I despise these three non-friends that live in my house, sit at my table, sleep on my bed… every single day.