I shouldn’t be talking about this too much afraid of jinxing it, but that would be a great lack of faith and I’m sure no matter how much I talk about it or not, this will happen. I’m going back to Canada, yes I freaking am! Don’t know exactly when, but all signs point to October because from the very first moment I made the decision to go back (like two or three months ago), October has been in my mind. Probably thinking about the weather and giving myself time to organize everything here before I leave.

Anyway, I’ve been offered a place to stay for as long as I need it at my friend’s mother’s place. She called me yesterday to tell me I can go to the city where she lives, she gave me contact info for someone who can help me find a job and even mentioned the good possibilities I have to go back to school. It all sounds wonderful and I know it’s going to be wonderful. Easy? No, definitely not easy. I’ll go back alone, in totally different situation, I’ll have to struggle, I’ll be away from my family, but I’m going to be in my country of adoption, a place where I was really happy and a place where I know I’ll grow as person and I will learn what I’m really made of.

I’m just hopeful. I can feel God’s kindness in my life and I’m glad my faith has done nothing, but getting stronger and stronger every day. Now, you can say a prayer for me, too, so things will go well. I know they will, I have an amazing group of people around me and I’m growing stronger every day, I feel I can do this, I want to do this! And I won’t be alone… I know I won’t.

Today would’ve been my wedding anniversary. Some would think that while I’m writing this post, some tears are flowing from my eyes. But no, I am feeling fine. I teared up quite a lot yesterday writing a long letter for him (that I’m not going to send, it was more for cathartic purposes), but somehow today seems to be one of those good days. OK, there’s a little bit of sadness, but it could be much worse. So I guess I have to thank God that I woke up this morning, looked throught the window and the sun was shinning.

My hopes and dreams are now pointing in new directions. It sure hasn’t been easy, there have been really shitty days when I’ve felt I’m going to die. Other days aren’t that bad and I’ve grown up quite a lot, learned about myself, thought about what I want to do, or at least where I want to do it. There are new things and new people in my life, some more special than others. So I guess I survived… These days are way better and I’m definitely not the same person I was 8 months ago when things ended between Patrice and I.

So, happy anniversary to me. I learned something from all this, I learned that I can feel great things and that I can achieve great things. I learned what love is and that makes it worth it, despite the pain. One day I’ll look back and it won’t hurt anymore.

I swear I posted something here on the 17th and it’s gone. Database hiccups, I guess. Anyway… I just felt like sharing a song. More news at 11!

Collide - Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You’re barely waking
And I’m tangled up in you
Yeah

But I’m open, you’re closed
Where I follow, you’ll go
I worry I won’t see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I’m quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I’ve found I’m scared to know
I’m always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide

Don’t stop here
I’ve lost my place
I’m close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide