When I started weblogging again I didn’t want this to become a “whaa whaa” place where all I could post about was my crappy feelings. But it turns out I only feel like writing when I’m feeling kind of down, so here it goes… On the rollercoaster again! I think I have too many tickets in my hand right now and no one to come and play with me. But it’ll pass.

The good thing is, that I finally had the courage to ask for a day off today, instead of playing superwoman after working like a mule for 5 months without complaining. It was doing this or breaking down and I don’t want that to happen. Just being at home for a day (or more if needed, I was told) without having to worry about giving my 100% is helping a lot. It is 12:15 now, I haven’t taken a shower and bed’s not made yet, but I’ll take care of it in a few.

So, it’s OK to feel like caca sometimes. Let’s just hope it’ll go away soon!

Hmmm! I never wrote a poem in English before, but I was just thinking and thinking this morning and this is what came out of my heart.

I wish I could hate you

I wish I could hate you
I wish I could
I wish it wouldn’t hurt
when I think of you.
You shattered my dreams
you closed the light of my heart
you broke me into little pieces
that I’m now putting back together.
I wish I could hate you
but all I have is tears
and this void in my heart
because I loved you so.
But there’s no love left
you took it all away
and that empty space hurts,
it hurts like a millions knives
slicing my soul in two:
what I gave to you
what I kept for me.
I wish I could hate you
but I really can’t.
This pain, oh this pain
it will go away, I know, some day
Do I love you?
Do I miss you?
I can’t really say.
All the feelings I had for you
disappeared, vanished,
hidden under the fog of my tears
of all my sorrow
No love left, just tears
I wish I could hate you
I wish I could hate you
I wish I could hate you
But you don’t deserve it
not even that.
I just want to forget
I just want to erase your memories
just like you erased me from your life.

Love is long suffering,
love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.

It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth.

It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.

The down mood hasn’t left for good yet, but I’m getting there. I guess it’s normal to be stressed about all the upcoming changes. Believe me, they aren’t little changes, they’re huge, miles away huge. But decisions have been made, it’s time to assume them, it’s time to grow up and it’s time to start acting, so today I took another little step on my way forward.

Could be little for some and maybe for me, but I sat down, put my CV in French together and mailed to someone who can help me find a job before I go to Canada. If it doesn’t work, it’s still OK, I’m still going, I’m going to fight, I’m going to struggle and I’m going to make someone out of myself. Having to do all this alone is not very nice, but no one will live my life for me and I’m not going to be totally alone anyway. There are people around me, here and there. I guess I’m just talking about that special someone, but I know it’ll come along and if it doesn’t, I know I’ll be OK de toute façon!

Une très belle chanson de Marie-Élaine Thibert qui me fait penser à ma vie et comment j’ai grandi malgré ma tristesse.

J’étais sans vie et sans voix
Sans espérance et sans joie
Presque rendu au bout de mon temps
Mais, voici que ce sont ouverts
Les grands bras de la lumière
Et voilà que je pars vers l’univers

Je pars, je pars
Je monte, je monte
Je vole
Le ciel est à moi
Je parle aux étoiles
Je plane de soleil en soleil
Je vole, je vole,
Je brille, je brille,
Je vis
Le ciel est à moi
L’infini est bleu
Bleu et doux et bon et merveilleux!

J’étais sans vie et sans voix
L’âme pleine de “pourquoi”
Perdu dans les silences et dans le mots
Quelle est la raison des choses
Des galaxies et des roses?
On le sait quand on sait
Que tout est beau

Je pars, je pars
Je monte, je monte
Je vole
Le ciel est à moi
Je parle aux étoiles
Je plane de soleil en soleil
Je vole, je vole,
Je brille, je brille,
Je vis
Le ciel est à moi
L’infini est bleu
Bleu et doux et bon et merveilleux!

J’étais sans vie et sans voix
Sans espérance et sans joie
Presque rendu au bout de mon temps
Mais, voici que ce sont ouverts
Les grands bras de la lumière
Et voilà que je pars vers l’univers!

Big changes are coming, good changes, life will get better. I should be happy, right? But I can’t seem to get out of this ugly funk for good. It gets better for a few hours and then BAM! I think it’s the rollercoaster everyone talks about, but I thought my ride was kind of over. Looks like I was totally wrong, I’m back at Disney World again, one minute laughing, the next one I’m crying and not really knowing what to do.

I’ve tried everything I could today. Took a nap, played some upbeat music, called an old friend, watched my “Gilmore Girls” DVD, didn’t really work. Last resort: going out to see if I can shake it off because I hate feeling like this, I really hate it. I’ve been so busy and stressed lately I hardly have had time to post here, but I think it’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself. My social life has been reduced to ashes these days and I have to do something about it. There are a few good friends out there who would be more than happy to see me, so I’m bailing on everything and everyone tonight to be with them. I need it, so freaking much!

This too shall pass. I think it’s just loneliness, that’s why I’m going out looking for some real company, so I don’t go round and round with my thoughts of ickiness. I definitely could use some laughs now.