Written in paper

I wrote this earlier on a dirty piece of paper, now I’m just typing it.

It’s 9:20 p.m. and I’m at this dinner near the bus station, having a coffee and waiting for my “carriage” to take me home after very long day… My first day of work! Yes, I’ve got a job now, I have a lot of things to learn, but I’m willing to give more than my very best to keep it going. It’s going to be tough when school starts, but this is what I needed to do: fight, struggle, be strong, give myself the chance to sacrifice some things in order to feel that my life makes sense after 30 years of hiding behind my fears.

It’s pouring cats and dogs outside, my head hurts, I’m really tired and I’m going home to no one. No one is waiting for me, no one will listen to my stories and no one will give me a goodnight kiss. And you know what? It’s OK! Because now I know that I can do things by myself, now I know I’m not weak or worthless. I know people value what they see in me and someone gave me a chance to make good use of the things I’ve learned.

Yes, it’s definitely OK to be alone now, because when someone finally comes to my life I’ll know how to appreciate it even more and I’ll be emotionally independent enough to understand that I can be someone all by myself, but I prefer, I choose, to live my life “à deux.”

15 minutes left before I go home. Home… Does that exist for me, really? But home is any place I’m in, as long as it is as peaceful in my heart as it is at this very moment, despite feeling like crying. “I am like a bird…”

In just 40 days…

In just 40 days I stopped being afraid of life, I came back to my adopted country all by myself, I got accepted in school to finish my B.Sc., I found myself a lawyer to help me get some justice done, and today I was informed that I’ve got a job.

All in 40 days. No one can say I’m not moving on. In fact I’m moving on so fast I feel like I’m driving a fricken F1 car. But I’m happy, so happy and thankful with God. My life is getting better, I didn’t break like my EX thought I would. And I’m not gonna break, ever.

I just wanted to share. This great feeling I have now is what will keep me going when things get tough in the future, because I’ll know that no matter how shitty life gets sometimes, there is always a way out.

Shaking off the fleas

So… hmmm… Yes, I think I still have a few tickets left for the rollercoaster of my life. Not fun, but it happens. It isn’t easy to go through all this and I need to give myself some credit for being where I am and doing what I’m doing. I can’t let this crappy mood go on (last night was just awful… puffy eyes included this morning), I need to shake off the fleas, wake the hell up and continue being the courageous woman people say I am because that’s what I show and that’s what I am.

These past two weeks found me so much into school and lawyer issues that I kinda let the “looking for a job” thing fall out of place. While I’m not looking for a full time job anymore, I still need a part time one to keep myself busy and make ends meet once I start classes. I can’t bum all day long and stay on line feeling sorry for myself because husband dumped me. Not after a year, that is simply not allowed! Besides, there are other things to do, get to know this place, get to know people, make people know me… Get a life, you know!

I’m great at beating myself up, but I’m gonna be gentle now. Tomorrow I will wake up, take a shower, make my bed, I will go out, I will do what I have to do, I will make the phone calls I have to make and I’m gonna start the month of December with new hopes. A year ago my life got broken, in about a week I’ll turn 31 years old and things will be different because I’m finally living my life for myself and not for others.

Madi, no sé si estás leyendo mi weblog, pero gracias… Muchas gracias por hacerme ver que mi vida puede ser mejor. Gracias por decirme “Sors de ton sous-sol !” — De veras lo necesitaba. Te quiero mucho!

Durmiendo Con La Luna

Aquí estoy
Entre el amor y el olvido
Entre recuerdos y el frío
Entre el silencio y tu voz

Aquí estoy
Viendo pasar los segundos
Viendo pasar los minutos
Viendo pasar el amor

Aquí estoy
Con la sonrisa fingida
Que me dejó tu partida
Como un verano sin sol

Aquí estoy
Sin la mitad de mi vida
Un callejón sin salida
Viendo la vida pasar

Aquí estoy
Cantándole a la fortuna
Soñando con tu cintura
Con lo que nunca será

Aquí estoy
Enredado con la duda
Durmiéndome con la luna
Despertando con el sol

Aquí estoy
Curándome las heridas
Durmiéndome con la luna
Despertando con el sol

Holidays 2005-2006

I have enough American friends to feel that I kinda celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday. All the turkey talk made me feel as if I were the one stuffing on food at by the end of the day I was rather sick, ha ha! No, serioulsy… Yesterday was weird. I belong to a Divorce Support group on line and there was foul mood around, people feeling lonely, some going through their first holidays alone, very sad. It made me think what my holidays are going to be like this year now that I’ve decided to be all by myself in Canada. Sure, I have friends here and I’m starting to meet people, but it’s gonna be damn hard.

Last year meant shock after split, but I was with my family, they were flying around me like guardian eagles, I don’t know. I was the center of attention and it didn’t feel like pity or compassion, but real love. Christmas and New Year’s eve weren’t that happy, but they weren’t that horrible either because we were all together and my family’s peculiar enough to keep everyone entertained. Now it’s gonna be just me, myself and I and I wonder… I just wonder… if I’ll make it with enough courage. I’m sure I will, I made it all the way here even after all the crap I had to face, right? Time for some decorations!