Je vais virer folle !
Almost 1 a.m. and I'm still awake. Going to bed shortly because I have class tomorrow at 8. Only two days since I started school and I can see myself going bananas with the crazy schedule, overlapped classes, more lab work than I can handle and lots of information to hold inside my brain. It's exciting, but scary. The classes I'm taking this session are a little more complicated and just looking at the text books I got makes me want to scream and ask for sanctuary.
I have to play it smart here. This staying up so late isn't going to work for me, no matter how much of a brat I want to be. I need to be much more responsible than this. Time to get organized!
The Big Tree
Just a few days before my brother died (I was 12, he was 17) my mom had a dream. My dad and her were sitting on a big tree, many meters from the floor, looking down and there were many people surrounding the tree. They both wanted to get off the tree, but couldn't and she said to my dad: "Look, all these people wanting to help us and no one can do anything." -- That's how it felt when my brother passed away; there were a lot of people with us at that moment, but no one could take the pain away, no one could get us out of the dark hole, no one could help.
The big tree story's been introduced because I always feel I'm sitting on it when there is some kind of ordeal in my life, like today. I talked to my lawyer and she told me the divorce will be final in a few weeks. I was at school when I talked to her and after I hung up I just went back to my work station and started crying. My classmates looked at me, some asked what was wrong and then they just looked at me not knowing what to say. What is there to say? What can people say about something like this? What makes me feel better? Nothing, really. I have to stay on the tree for a little longer until a magical ladder will appear and then I can come down.
But I feel vertigo. I feel physically weak after this morning's call. This is like a terminal patient with a due date and it doesn't matter I've been seeing it coming for the last year and 9 months, I'm still afraid of that due date. Scared because I'm alone here and I don't know what's going to happen to me when I will get notified that it's officially over. This feels like I'm standing near a cliff with no harness. But it will be over soon... Maybe someone will catch me when I fall.
Back to Books
I just realized what my task for tomorrow is: counting growth rings from the 55 tree samples we took last week! That is one boring thing to do and I'm not looking forward to it, but somebody has to do it. HOWEVER I also realize that I'll be fully back in school after a busy summer and that's pretty exciting. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends and my teachers, I have this pre-first day of classes anxiety like a little girl, too damn funny!
I also have a freaking mess in my room because I moved to a new place today and I'm going nuts. Who would think that one single person can accumulate so much crap over 10 months. When I moved back to Canada I was happy to travel light, but I suppose I'm only human. Oh well, it's just school papers and personal belongings, but I feel like throwing it everything outside the window and start from zero again.
I feel like my life is in non-stop mode, it has been like that for a while. I suppose I like it like this, doesn't give me much time to overanalyze everything so I just have to move and do what I have to do. Like Albert Einstein said: "Life is like a bicycle. You have to keep going so you won't lose your balance," or something like that.
P.S. Sunday evening and I'm already doing school work on Excel. Way to go!
Dreams by The Cranberries
Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it’s never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems
I know I felt like this before
But now I’m feeling it even more
Because it came from you
Then I open up and see
The person fumbling here is me
A different way to be
I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
They’ll come true, impossible not to do
Impossible not to do
Now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don’t hurt me
For what I couldn’t find
Talk to me amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You’re everything to me
Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it’s never quite as it seems
’cause you’re a dream to me
Dream to me
48 Degrees North
I just came back from one of the most wonderful weeks I've had since I started school here in Chicout. We were working at the Simoncouche Bio Station since Monday, with my "Field Biology Studies" class. The place is breathtaking, there's a beautiful lake surrounded by a boreal forest that I got the chance to get deep into. The first two days we got on the Zodiac boats, did some lake recognizing, checked the local fish species, got a sunburn and learned about zooplancton vertical distribution. Then on Wednesday we started the plant ecology phase.
Walking in the boreal forest is surreal, being in a place you're almost sure no human being was before, in the middle of nowhere. You just pack water and food, arm yourself with a GPS and a compass and go exploring, crossing your fingers so you won't get lost. Most of the time I was there I was just amazed by the fact that somewhere in the middle of my crazy life I managed to move all the way to another country and now I'm studying its plant diversity. Then again I had a fantastic work team and an absolutely cool teacher to guide us.
Now we have a report to write after we perform dendrochronology studies on the samples we took from 50 trees, to determine the age of the target population. OK, I'm saying a lot of scientific yadda yadda. I'm just very excited, very proud and absolutely grateful for having the chance to see this beautiful place in all its splendor. Not to mention that I'm tired, but a good kind of tired... And kinda wishing I were still there, at Simoncouche.
