Almost 1 a.m. and I’m still awake. Going to bed shortly because I have class tomorrow at 8. Only two days since I started school and I can see myself going bananas with the crazy schedule, overlapped classes, more lab work than I can handle and lots of information to hold inside my brain. It’s exciting, but scary. The classes I’m taking this session are a little more complicated and just looking at the text books I got makes me want to scream and ask for sanctuary.
I have to play it smart here. This staying up so late isn’t going to work for me, no matter how much of a brat I want to be. I need to be much more responsible than this. Time to get organized!
Just a few days before my brother died (I was 12, he was 17) my mom had a dream. My dad and her were sitting on a big tree, many meters from the floor, looking down and there were many people surrounding the tree. They both wanted to get off the tree, but couldn’t and she said to my dad: “Look, all these people wanting to help us and no one can do anything.” — That’s how it felt when my brother passed away; there were a lot of people with us at that moment, but no one could take the pain away, no one could get us out of the dark hole, no one could help.
The big tree story’s been introduced because I always feel I’m sitting on it when there is some kind of ordeal in my life, like today. I talked to my lawyer and she told me the divorce will be final in a few weeks. I was at school when I talked to her and after I hung up I just went back to my work station and started crying. My classmates looked at me, some asked what was wrong and then they just looked at me not knowing what to say. What is there to say? What can people say about something like this? What makes me feel better? Nothing, really. I have to stay on the tree for a little longer until a magical ladder will appear and then I can come down.
But I feel vertigo. I feel physically weak after this morning’s call. This is like a terminal patient with a due date and it doesn’t matter I’ve been seeing it coming for the last year and 9 months, I’m still afraid of that due date. Scared because I’m alone here and I don’t know what’s going to happen to me when I will get notified that it’s officially over. This feels like I’m standing near a cliff with no harness. But it will be over soon… Maybe someone will catch me when I fall.
I just realized what my task for tomorrow is: counting growth rings from the 55 tree samples we took last week! That is one boring thing to do and I’m not looking forward to it, but somebody has to do it. HOWEVER I also realize that I’ll be fully back in school after a busy summer and that’s pretty exciting. I’m looking forward to seeing my friends and my teachers, I have this pre-first day of classes anxiety like a little girl, too damn funny!
I also have a freaking mess in my room because I moved to a new place today and I’m going nuts. Who would think that one single person can accumulate so much crap over 10 months. When I moved back to Canada I was happy to travel light, but I suppose I’m only human. Oh well, it’s just school papers and personal belongings, but I feel like throwing it everything outside the window and start from zero again.
I feel like my life is in non-stop mode, it has been like that for a while. I suppose I like it like this, doesn’t give me much time to overanalyze everything so I just have to move and do what I have to do. Like Albert Einstein said: “Life is like a bicycle. You have to keep going so you won’t lose your balance,” or something like that.
P.S. Sunday evening and I’m already doing school work on Excel. Way to go!
I just came back from one of the most wonderful weeks I’ve had since I started school here in Chicout. We were working at the Simoncouche Bio Station since Monday, with my “Field Biology Studies” class. The place is breathtaking, there’s a beautiful lake surrounded by a boreal forest that I got the chance to get deep into. The first two days we got on the Zodiac boats, did some lake recognizing, checked the local fish species, got a sunburn and learned about zooplancton vertical distribution. Then on Wednesday we started the plant ecology phase.
Walking in the boreal forest is surreal, being in a place you’re almost sure no human being was before, in the middle of nowhere. You just pack water and food, arm yourself with a GPS and a compass and go exploring, crossing your fingers so you won’t get lost. Most of the time I was there I was just amazed by the fact that somewhere in the middle of my crazy life I managed to move all the way to another country and now I’m studying its plant diversity. Then again I had a fantastic work team and an absolutely cool teacher to guide us.
Now we have a report to write after we perform dendrochronology studies on the samples we took from 50 trees, to determine the age of the target population. OK, I’m saying a lot of scientific yadda yadda. I’m just very excited, very proud and absolutely grateful for having the chance to see this beautiful place in all its splendor. Not to mention that I’m tired, but a good kind of tired… And kinda wishing I were still there, at Simoncouche.
My new roommates moved in today. I already don’t like the situation. CEGEP kids, very young and looking like spoiled brats. Not to mention they are family. I feel like a stranger in my own place, not nice. Then there’s Mrs. Mommy pretending to boss me around. Hello??? I had to tell her “Madame, I’m not a little girl, you don’t need to pick that tone of voice with me. I can understand very well in a good manner.” — She looks at me like “Hell!” and I keep talking to her in the nicest possible way so things don’t get ugly. After all, she’s leaving and I’m stuck with her spawn. Eeek!
Solution? Move to the other side of the building where my friends from last session are going to be. I’m happy to see some new faces back. Problem isn’t the kids are young, problem is they look spoiled, I am not exaggerating. One of the guys from the other side already told me “Cool! You can move with us and I’ll help you move your stuff.” — Really cute. Gawd… I have to think about this, but I already talked to the landlady and she told me not to freak out just yet, but that I’m welcome to change my mind anytime. I think she already noticed how bitchy is these kids mother… Oh well!
I hear Arianne Moffatt in my head. I’m going to Montreal in three weeks, woot! Going to meet with a couple of High School friends and spend a nice weekend with them. I so deserve it, dangnamit! Been studying and working non-stop since January and now the opportunity presented itself, so I’m taking it. This is actually very exciting, I haven’t seen Adri and Nanda for a long time and we used to have such a good time in Colombia. Seeing them after all this time, living totally different lives… That’s gotta be something!
I’ve been keeping myself from moving around too much since I came to Chicoutimi, but I really need the break. Not to mention I miss Montreal a lot. So it’s going to be fun… Can hardly wait! And it all happened so fast, they ambushed me this morning, Nanda’s buying tickets as I type this (she’s in Chicago), so I can’t back up now. One has got to live!
My summer job at Alcan will end up on Friday. I’m sad. I really liked working there, it was a very rewarding and challenging experience, totally different from everything I’ve done before. I met great people, felt useful, appreciated, encouraged. Today at lunch I was looking at the place and the faces around me and I felt like crying (sentimental fool that I am…) — I’m ready to move on and go back to school, but I suppose I still have this great ability to get attached, especially to things I enjoy doing and people who are nice to me.
This was a beautiful opportunity and I learned a lot about this region, but also a big deal about myself and the things I’m capable of doing. Working at Alcan helped me find even more independence and now I realize that I can do plenty of things on my own with no problem. When they gave me this job they didn’t know how much impact it would have in my life, a great impact. I compare everything I do now to what I did when I was married and the only thing I can think of now is how sad it is the person I was with never gave me credit. I would’ve rocked his world. His loss.
So for all this I’m grateful. I’m happy to know that I’m leaving this place with no regrets, no sad memories. It was good, all good. And who knows, maybe next year I’ll be an industrial hygiene technician again, with some experience on the field. Life goes on!
