Ayoye ! Je n’aime pas ça quand j’ai le coeur dans la bouche et je finis toujours pour dire des mots de plus. Et puis, il y a des gens qui posent des questions dont ils ont déjà la réponse, alors… pourquoi demander ? C’est ça mon problème, très honnête, très ouverte et avec un coeur qui batte à 800 révolutions par minute. C’est comme si je veux être écoutée et je cherche les moyens pour le faire. Je joue l’innocente et j’attends la réaction. C’est vraiment amusant. Et après j’entends les conseils et les suggestions de ne pas me stresser pour n’importe quelle raison. Finalement, j’arrive toujours à nourrir l’ego de quelqu’un qui fait tourner ma tête plusieurs fois dans la journée. C’est comme du bungee jumping, cet affaire-là… le vertige !

For the past year I’ve tried to do nothing but make wise decisions. I’ve taken risks, I’ve faced my fears, I’ve looked for opportunities to grow up and become a better person. I say my painful moments are harder to deal with now than they were before, probably because my already soft heart softened even more after getting broken and I haven’t fully recovered. I know the day will come when I can look at what happened to me and not feel so much pain, it’s already happening. But some days… some days it feels like nothing has changed.

I haven’t slept at all. Spent part of my night trying to feel better about something that has been bothering me for quite a while, and I hurt someone’s feelings in the process. Then I just couldn’t take it, the stupidity of it all. Here I was, at 3:45 a.m., calling my mother down in South America to ask her to give me some insight, asking her why after all this time of trying to do the good things, I’m doing all the wrong ones. We were on the phone for 1 hour, she giving me encouraging words and me crying my eyes out, mostly in anger because I disappointed myself.

By the time we were saying good-bye, she told me to go out for a drive, buy something to eat and come home and rest so I can keep studying for a couple of midterms I have next week. And this is the source of my anguish. Procrastination, neglect, irresponsibility. I feel like I’ve fallen back into my old (bad) habits and I can’t forgive myself. Then the anguish blocks me and I can’t, for the love of God, find a way to get my concentration back so I do the only thing I have to worry about now: study.

And I’m still awake, at 7:05 in the morning, pondering, wondering, trying to find answers to my questions. Figuring out at what exact moment did I lose balance this way. My mother heard all the things I had to say and reminded me that if I’m capable of looking at this situation and see that something’s is wrong, then that’s a good start. She also reminded me of the person I am, the person I’ve been and the person I’m becoming. She reminded me of the love I’m surrounded with, even from a distance. She, the wisest woman in my life, she who understands pain in all its dimensions, she who’s never lost her faith. She didn’t make it better or put a band-aid, but she made sure I understood we all fail sometimes because we’re human.

When I was coming back from my early morning drive, after I bought a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes, a song on the radio reminded me that I have something to look for and that I will always get: God’s help. So I cried a little more, sang the song out loud, came back home, finished my coffee, had a couple of ciggies and now I’m typing this. Am I feeling better? Not really, but if I’m capable of sitting here and reflect, it’s because I’m willing to change whatever I think is going wrong. I just needed a final push and it came when I realized I can do things better instead of bringing everyone down with me, but especially jeopardizing my own future.

My eyes are getting heavy out of sleep and tears. I’m going to rest now and hopefully in a few hours I will wake up with the motivation I need to do the important things and put aside the ones I have no control over.

We always sit and talk about the weather
And after all these letters well there’s nothing left to say
And you and I we’re both two of a kind
We’re always wondering why
Something more hasn’t come our way
But I refuse to believe
This is the only life for me

So I roam
These open roads
The nights are bitter
And the days are cold
So I roam
These open roads
In search of better
In search of home

You seem surprised I see it in your eyes
But I can’t lie
This was never what I had in mind
And walking this line pretending everything’s fine
Well this isn’t living it’s just getting by
And I maybe naïve
But not too proud to leave.

I just had a long overdue talk with my mom on the phone. I had been avoiding calling her because distance makes it difficult for both of us when I’m not doing well. My mother is a person of faith and she usually doesn’t freak out too much when I tell her I’m sad, but I feel kind of guilty when I hang up and I know she’s left in knots, no matter how much I reassure her that I’m okay after I talk to her. Her words always make me feel better, she puts things in perspective for me and she makes sure I don’t blame myself for being human and messing up sometimes.

55 minutes of mom therapy can do a world of good for me. It’s not that I feel 100% better after that, but at least I’m able to recognize the things I have to do to keep going, no matter how big the gap is between my feeling well and my feeling bad. She’s so, so far away, but I’m lucky to have the kind of relationship I have with her, where I know I can tell her just about everything that’s going on with me without fearing she’s gonna judge me. After all, she’s my mother. But she’s also one of the kindest people I know, not biased, her wisdom and encouragement are a godsend.

So this morning I’m here, getting ready to go to school, but not only that. I’m also going to catch up with everything I’ve been putting aside during the last couple of months. Life got a little bit weird, put me off balance and I’ve been trying to deal with it probably in the wrong way. My mother said that I’ve done nothing but fight for myself in the last year and that I’ve been nothing but responsible, so a little bumps here and there are only to learn. Whatever it is what’s making feel like a loser now, I have to let it go and allow myself to see things in a different way to learn the lesson I was supposed to learn now.

I come home, get online and one of my best friends messages me right away. I’m in a weird state of extreme anger, so I get off like a loaded gun and start telling her everything I have on my mind. I’m sure I’m scaring the bejesus out of her with my “I’m not eating, hardly sleeping and smoking like a whore in jail.” — Then I proceed to tell her the source of my frustration and she tries to be understanding, but she makes me laugh telling me I totally lost my marbles, so she’s gonna pick them up.

She tells me about her husband’s best friend who she has told I don’t know how many lies about me , and who’s been curious about me for some months now, but he’s in freaking Austria! I told her I’m having enough trouble with the American continent now to get in trouble crossing the Atlantic. She just won’t give up. I have ex-changed a few e-mails with the guy, but he speaks very little English and I don’t speak a word of German, so there you go!

If people keep trying to convince me that the answer to my questions comes from a man, I think I’ll end up in the loony bin. This is sad, but extremely funny. Just the way she says things, the way she understands exactly how I feel… I’m glad I have her, even if it’s far away. And then she thinks it’s cute when I’m angry, huh? At least she says she hasn’t met anyone who comes up with all the funny sayings I come up with, and I can picture her laughing out loud. Glad to know I haven’t lost my sense of humour.

Anyhoo… Non-sense. I need a nap. I have to study.

Sunflower smiling at the sun
Your time is gonna come
Keep your eyes on sunny skies
Your heart soars above the clouds
Sings a song out loud
For a brand new day - not so far away
Isn’t it amazing - what you see
Isn’t it amazing - what you do
Isn’t it amazing - everything
Sunflowers in spring - they’re just like you
Sunflower wipe away your tears
All your doubts and fears
You were born to fly - so high
Sunflower everybody knows
You’re the one that grows in a sunny place
Such a happy face.

For those of you who have messaged me because you don’t get my unusually twisted sense of humour, I suggest you rent “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.”

OK, let’s elaborate on this one. I’m feeling crappy because it’s normal to feel crappy when something doesn’t work out the way we want it to. Am I sad? Sure, I am. Am I going to die of heartbreak? Hell, no! If I have learned anything after all I’ve been through, it is that sometimes it is better to say goodbye than to stay around and hurt ourselves even more. The only thing I can gather from my feeling like caca right now is that somehow I’m finally learning to decide what’s right for me, even if it doesn’t feel that right at the beginning. This is a first, actually. I usually just stayed in an unhealthy situation for fear of being alone, but now I just decided that the pain of being alone is more bearable.

Now I remember some words from my mother, a very wise woman. She said “It’s better to cry a few salty tears right now, than crying blood tears later.” — In with the salt, out with the blood. This hurts, it’s normal, deal with it and move on.