Normal day, I mean busy. Didn’t stop from 8 to 4. Reports to work on, class, studying. It’s been raining since yesterday, cold, very Fall-like, no sunshine. I came home, did some more work and had dinner with my roomie. We laughed, I annoyed the hell out of him, had fun. Then as the hours went by my mood came down crashing. A very sad friend on my list, school stress, trying to manage my time, thinking if I’m using it right. Then my mom called when I was falling asleep, worried because I didn’t call over the weekend and I felt so bad. I know I sounded distant on the phone, so now I’m waiting for her to get home and call back.

And this anxiety… This weird feeling in my gut that stays with me from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. I wake up during the night, fall asleep again, wake up still feeling tired. I have a few moments during the day when I feel really good, I joke, I talk, I tease people and I can concentrate. But it doesn’t last long. I wasn’t feeling like this before, I blame it on a busy session, but I know better… And I wish I didn’t know better.

I dream a lot, almost every night. Most of the time I don’t remember what I dream, but the one I had last night surely stuck with me. It was about my ex-husband, there was this huge chinese vase we were fighting over, it was broken but not completely. I could see some parts were missing and I was figuring out a way of putting it back together, thinking “No matter what a nice work I do, it just won’t look the same.” — I also had a broken piece in my mouth and I was afraid I was going to swallow it and die.

I can remember exactly what the vase looked like, colours and patterns, blue and white, rather pretty… But broken. Eventually I gave up thinking about fixing it. I have no idea what the dream means. I guess the vase is my marriage and I finally have let go… Eagerly waiting for divorce decree.