The sense of security you get after having your winter tires set is amazing. And I was a lucky one when I bought my car at the end of April because the deal included them. Otherwise, I don’t know where I would get the money to get them now. But yes, my life’s easy like that sometimes. I finally had the safe shoes installed this morning (we’re having a very weird weather and it doesn’t look like winter, so I was procrastinating). I also went to pay for driver’s license and I’m good until 2008. Les routes du Québec m’attendent, heh!

Let’s see if this one makes me be less of a Scrooge.
[Seen at Logtar's, who stole it from Candy]

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Hot chocolate because eggnog may taste good, but it’s still raw eggs! Ouach!

2 . Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Oh, he likes to wrap them in nice paper and beautiful ribbons.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
Coloured. I’ve always liked them better.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Nope, never done it. I hope I’ll get kissed under it this year, though.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
Used to be at the end of Nov., but it’s been two years since I don’t put any.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
From Colombian dishes, I always appreciate my grandma’s tamales the most.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child.
The big novenas at my father’s workplace. Lots of people on the soccer court.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I didn’t learn anything about Santa. It was Baby Jesus who brought the gifts.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Just one? I open them all on Christmas Eve.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
My ornaments are made of wood. Little soldiers, horses, etc. I put lights, too.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Depends on what you’re planning to do. It can be fun, but can also a bit PITA.

12. Can you ice skate?
Nope, but I can land on my butt very graciously.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
I’ve gotten plenty of things that I’ve loved. I can’t think of just one right now.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
The meaning Christmas holds for us Christians. And also being with family.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Manjarblanco y desamargado! YUM!

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
The novenas in front of the nativity scene.

17. What tops your tree?
It used to be a star with lights on it.

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving?
I would say giving, but receiving is fun too… Especially love!

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Salve Reina y Madre. A villancico.

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Absolutely delicious!

“Life is not some kind of test, that if we fail, we will be punished. We are not human creatures who are being punished by an avenging god. We are not trapped in some kind of tragic place out of which we have to earn our way by doing the “right” things. We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. We are here to learn. We are here to go through this process that is life. We are here to feel these feelings.”
– Robert Burney from his book “Joy to You and Me”

While in break during class yesterday, I was talking to a friend from school and I shocked myself when I said some preposterous things about life being a series of sad experiences. I mentioned human suffering and I heard myself say life is hard most of the time. Then I stopped and thought about it. I really do NOT believe that. I got especially worried when I heard my friend say that he doesn’t really believe in anything and that the more he studies Biology, the less he believes God exists. I felt like crying, and I even questioned my academic choice, but that’s another story.

All human beings are faced with pain at any given moment, and while we see some people going through more painful lives than others, at some extent every person in this world experiences suffering in some way or another. It doesn’t matter you lead a life others would consider good, it is always touched by sadness. And we ask why, we want to know who’s playing a big joke on us every time things get bad. I could go on about the whole God’s giving us free will and such, but rather than getting into a religious discussion, I’m just trying to understand human nature. And unfortunately, suffering makes part of it.

I really have no idea of what I want to say. That quote at the beginning of the post was sent to me by a friend after I told him about my friend in Colombia passing away. I suppose I just wanted to share it because I really liked the “We’re spiritual beings having a human experience” part. This human experience is full of trials and tribulations and I personally choose to go through them under the light of my faith in God. It’s very sad to see there are people like my schoolmate who don’t want to believe and who have that sad look on their faces because they have no hope, no meaning and no goal… no joie de vivre!

I just got back from my lawyer’s office. I signed an affidavit and a divorce sentence petition to the court. It feels weird because I’m the defending part (I hate that term, as if I were sued for something bad), and it is me the one who is deciding when things are going to be over for good. I teared up a little when signing those papers, not because I have any feelings left for my ex-husband, but because I think this is a sad ending for something I always considered a beautiful life project. There I was, asking the court to end up my marriage, and it wasn’t my decision in the first place. Oh, the irony!

Things like this make it hard for me to believe in marriage again. Do not misunderstand me, I DO believe in love (I have special reasons to believe in it!), but I hate the complications that derive from a broken marriage. Apart from the pain we have to go through when someone stabs us directly in the heart, there is the legal crap to deal with. And it’s even worse when you don’t understand much of it because you walk into divorce blinded by the unfair actions of others.

My divorce has been going on for two years, and I still don’t consider myself capable of telling anyone about the legal procedures or what they should do in order to have a fair treatment. I think what hurts me the most right now is the way things went for me, when my ex-husband wanted to take so much advantage using my vulnerabilities. I still go to the lawyer’s office having no idea if I’m doing the right thing, or if I should’ve fought back harder. It doesn’t matter anymore.

I’m still sitting and waiting until the day this nightmare will be over.

In February 2005, when it was very hard for me to believe in myself, there was someone who trusted me like I had never been trusted before. She gave me a job and the chance to move on in the middle of a storm, she taught me that life is made of struggle, but worth living.

My boss, Ofelia, passed away today after two long years of fighting Cancer. I know all the pain she went through, not only because of her disease, but also because things got difficult for her company. I walked with her through that difficult path, while she encouraged me to go on despite my broken heart.

To say I’m speechless would be an understatement. This woman was the perfect example of not giving up. What I learned from her, I will never forget. And now I feel sad, but I know she finally found some peace. I’ll always be grateful for all the things she did for me, but especially for believing in me when I was at my lowest.

I thank God for Ofelia’s life, and I pray for her family.

This morning, I attended one of the most beautiful celebrations I’ve been to in my life. It was a mass at a small community at the Séminaire de Chicoutimi that was previously held at the university, but now people get together at a small chapel inside the Seminary. It was the first time I went (I usually go to the Cathedral) and from the very first minute I walked in, I knew I was going to enjoy it. It is a different kind of mass, where people share their experiences and desires. There is a priest, but he’s not in front of everyone repeating the usual words of the Catholic rites, he’s sitting with the assembly and there is a motivator, too.

Anyway, the topic of today’s celebration was heritage. Quebec is a nation where people put God aside during the Quiet Revolution, so the speaker referred to that. What have we learned? What are we leaving to our children? What are our values? In a world where we all have to see horrible things happening every day, there are people who are turning their eyes back to God looking for answers, for relief, for a reason to believe things will eventually turn out for the better.

A woman said something that touched everyone, and I quote her: “I paint. When I start on a canvas, I know that it is very important to put light on, so you can highlight the colours and make them show. Light applied on white won’t show, you have to apply it on dark colours. God is like that, His light should be applied on the dark spots of our lives to make them brighter, to make them better.” — Beautiful analogy to say that as long as we keep walking the path ignoring God, we probably won’t be able to see that life is much more than the pain and suffering we see every day.

It’s almost 3:30 a.m. and I’m sleepy, but I can’t sleep. Oh, the torture. Now I’m here thinking about something that has been going on for two years: My divorce. I look at it like a freak show I have to see behind a glass, mostly like inside a cage. I feel this way because in the last two years I haven’t been able to actually do anything that I can obtain something from when it comes to the legal aspect of this ending. I married prince charming and I’m divorcing a coward who preferred to run away and turn his back on me, rather than facing things like he should, morally and legally. From literally throwing me out of MY house to dealing with divorce with a remote control, taking any right I had to fight back away from me. And that’s what bugs me the most. That I have to sit here and wait, that after two years I still am not the owner of my life, that I have to depend on his decisions and the childish ways he deals with life. And then he had the nerve to call me immature.

I don’t know why I’m going on about this lately. Probably because now the finalization of my divorce is close, I have the wish to reflect on how all this makes me feel. Probably because the last couple of months have found me wanting to start something new, and I hate the feeling of not having crossed the bridge completely. I’m still carrying the dead weight, the business is still unfinished and it’s slowing me down, emotionally. Because even though I have done anything under my power to move on, every day is a reminder that I’m still not divorced, and it’s starting to make me feel angry.

While I don’t regret anything I have done since the day my marriage broke down in pieces, and the challenges I’ve been faced with have made me a better person in many ways, I wish I just let it all go from the very beginning because now I feel responsible for how things are taking so long to be final. I looked for justice and wasn’t granted with it. I can’t blame the system, I got all the help I needed. I blame him, the selfish prick I once said “Yes” to in front of God. What a waste of time and faith!

My heart is in turmoil, my brain doesn’t work like it should sometimes. All the emotions that I’ve been forced to deal with have somehow changed my view of life. I’m less scared to do a life of my own, but I’m more scared to do a life with somebody else. The man I’m divorcing took a lot of things from me, and it doesn’t matter people tell me he didn’t. I feel he did. He took away so many things from what I was before, I feel almost incomplete. And now I’m searching inside my soul, because I know I can find them again, double. But it’s hard, really hard. I’m going to be 32 years old in two weeks and sometimes I feel like the 18 year-old girl who just graduated from High School, standing in front of the world and not knowing what road to take.

And the funny thing is, this weird life I have had to live since December 2004 doesn’t even feel like it’s mine. That’s why I think of myself as a guest in a show, forced to watch behind the glass and ignoring how the story’s going to turn out. A happy ending would be nice for a change.

Because it’s been a while since I played this on a regular basis…

Friday Five: Yellow

1. What’s your favorite yellow food? That has to be corn.
2. What’s your favorite yellow item of clothing? My Winnie The Pooh T-shirt.
3. What yellow object can you see right now? I see yellow on my Colombian flag.
4. When was the last time you felt like a coward? This morning. Don’t ask.
5. What did you last use a sticky-note for? Online payment confirmation.

And then there’s the Friday’s Feast.

Appetizer
Have you ever changed a flat tire by yourself?
But of course. I’m a tough cookie.

Soup
Do you have an “innie” or an “outie” belly button?
Innie. I really dislike talking about belly buttons. *Gags*

Salad
Name a new paint color and describe it.
Blood Yellow. It’s the colour you see when going through an almost-red light.

Main Course
What is your favorite holiday tradition?
The novenas during Christmas, in front of the nativity scene.

Dessert
If you were a cookie, what kind of cookie would you be, and why?
I think I would love to be one of those chocolate tea biscuits. No idea why!