This morning, I attended one of the most beautiful celebrations I’ve been to in my life. It was a mass at a small community at the Séminaire de Chicoutimi that was previously held at the university, but now people get together at a small chapel inside the Seminary. It was the first time I went (I usually go to the Cathedral) and from the very first minute I walked in, I knew I was going to enjoy it. It is a different kind of mass, where people share their experiences and desires. There is a priest, but he’s not in front of everyone repeating the usual words of the Catholic rites, he’s sitting with the assembly and there is a motivator, too.

Anyway, the topic of today’s celebration was heritage. Quebec is a nation where people put God aside during the Quiet Revolution, so the speaker referred to that. What have we learned? What are we leaving to our children? What are our values? In a world where we all have to see horrible things happening every day, there are people who are turning their eyes back to God looking for answers, for relief, for a reason to believe things will eventually turn out for the better.

A woman said something that touched everyone, and I quote her: “I paint. When I start on a canvas, I know that it is very important to put light on, so you can highlight the colours and make them show. Light applied on white won’t show, you have to apply it on dark colours. God is like that, His light should be applied on the dark spots of our lives to make them brighter, to make them better.” — Beautiful analogy to say that as long as we keep walking the path ignoring God, we probably won’t be able to see that life is much more than the pain and suffering we see every day.

It’s almost 3:30 a.m. and I’m sleepy, but I can’t sleep. Oh, the torture. Now I’m here thinking about something that has been going on for two years: My divorce. I look at it like a freak show I have to see behind a glass, mostly like inside a cage. I feel this way because in the last two years I haven’t been able to actually do anything that I can obtain something from when it comes to the legal aspect of this ending. I married prince charming and I’m divorcing a coward who preferred to run away and turn his back on me, rather than facing things like he should, morally and legally. From literally throwing me out of MY house to dealing with divorce with a remote control, taking any right I had to fight back away from me. And that’s what bugs me the most. That I have to sit here and wait, that after two years I still am not the owner of my life, that I have to depend on his decisions and the childish ways he deals with life. And then he had the nerve to call me immature.

I don’t know why I’m going on about this lately. Probably because now the finalization of my divorce is close, I have the wish to reflect on how all this makes me feel. Probably because the last couple of months have found me wanting to start something new, and I hate the feeling of not having crossed the bridge completely. I’m still carrying the dead weight, the business is still unfinished and it’s slowing me down, emotionally. Because even though I have done anything under my power to move on, every day is a reminder that I’m still not divorced, and it’s starting to make me feel angry.

While I don’t regret anything I have done since the day my marriage broke down in pieces, and the challenges I’ve been faced with have made me a better person in many ways, I wish I just let it all go from the very beginning because now I feel responsible for how things are taking so long to be final. I looked for justice and wasn’t granted with it. I can’t blame the system, I got all the help I needed. I blame him, the selfish prick I once said “Yes” to in front of God. What a waste of time and faith!

My heart is in turmoil, my brain doesn’t work like it should sometimes. All the emotions that I’ve been forced to deal with have somehow changed my view of life. I’m less scared to do a life of my own, but I’m more scared to do a life with somebody else. The man I’m divorcing took a lot of things from me, and it doesn’t matter people tell me he didn’t. I feel he did. He took away so many things from what I was before, I feel almost incomplete. And now I’m searching inside my soul, because I know I can find them again, double. But it’s hard, really hard. I’m going to be 32 years old in two weeks and sometimes I feel like the 18 year-old girl who just graduated from High School, standing in front of the world and not knowing what road to take.

And the funny thing is, this weird life I have had to live since December 2004 doesn’t even feel like it’s mine. That’s why I think of myself as a guest in a show, forced to watch behind the glass and ignoring how the story’s going to turn out. A happy ending would be nice for a change.

I just received a call from my lawyer, to ask me for a few papers I hope will be the last I have to bring in order to have all this divorce drama finalized. I’m fedup, it’s been too long since all this started and it’s about darn time this chapter is closed, so I can start a new one. I’ve always said the day I get informed I’m divorced I would feel sad, but right now I feel I’m just gonna jump in relief. It will feel like the end of a very painful road that I didn’t choose to walk, that I was forced to walk.

It kinda sucks that once the emotional part is almost completely dealed with, there are still legal issues hanging around. While I realize it was me the one who slowed down the process, looking to exert my rights, I didn’t have any options, I was stabbed in the back and I reacted. Then I decided I wasn’t going to sell my peace of mind and wanted it final ASAP. The wound is healing, there is a scar and fears that developped from all that happened, but it’s normal. Divorce is no joke, it hurts greatly, but guess what? One makes it through.

Yeah, I’m waiting to exhale.