It’s almost 3:30 a.m. and I’m sleepy, but I can’t sleep. Oh, the torture. Now I’m here thinking about something that has been going on for two years: My divorce. I look at it like a freak show I have to see behind a glass, mostly like inside a cage. I feel this way because in the last two years I haven’t been able to actually do anything that I can obtain something from when it comes to the legal aspect of this ending. I married prince charming and I’m divorcing a coward who preferred to run away and turn his back on me, rather than facing things like he should, morally and legally. From literally throwing me out of MY house to dealing with divorce with a remote control, taking any right I had to fight back away from me. And that’s what bugs me the most. That I have to sit here and wait, that after two years I still am not the owner of my life, that I have to depend on his decisions and the childish ways he deals with life. And then he had the nerve to call me immature.

I don’t know why I’m going on about this lately. Probably because now the finalization of my divorce is close, I have the wish to reflect on how all this makes me feel. Probably because the last couple of months have found me wanting to start something new, and I hate the feeling of not having crossed the bridge completely. I’m still carrying the dead weight, the business is still unfinished and it’s slowing me down, emotionally. Because even though I have done anything under my power to move on, every day is a reminder that I’m still not divorced, and it’s starting to make me feel angry.

While I don’t regret anything I have done since the day my marriage broke down in pieces, and the challenges I’ve been faced with have made me a better person in many ways, I wish I just let it all go from the very beginning because now I feel responsible for how things are taking so long to be final. I looked for justice and wasn’t granted with it. I can’t blame the system, I got all the help I needed. I blame him, the selfish prick I once said “Yes” to in front of God. What a waste of time and faith!

My heart is in turmoil, my brain doesn’t work like it should sometimes. All the emotions that I’ve been forced to deal with have somehow changed my view of life. I’m less scared to do a life of my own, but I’m more scared to do a life with somebody else. The man I’m divorcing took a lot of things from me, and it doesn’t matter people tell me he didn’t. I feel he did. He took away so many things from what I was before, I feel almost incomplete. And now I’m searching inside my soul, because I know I can find them again, double. But it’s hard, really hard. I’m going to be 32 years old in two weeks and sometimes I feel like the 18 year-old girl who just graduated from High School, standing in front of the world and not knowing what road to take.

And the funny thing is, this weird life I have had to live since December 2004 doesn’t even feel like it’s mine. That’s why I think of myself as a guest in a show, forced to watch behind the glass and ignoring how the story’s going to turn out. A happy ending would be nice for a change.