Diabetes Blog Week – Letter Writing Day

Dear Little Bea,

You have a personal hero, your dad. He’s your whole world and the person you look up to the most. He loves you dearly, you are his princess. He will be there for you every step of the way and you can rest assured he will never disappoint you. You have a treasure… you better appreciate him! Because one day Diabetes will take him away from you, and your heart will be forever broken, but his death will be your motivation to create awareness about this condition and be passionate about it. And you will be somehow thankful that you got to learn about it since you were a little kid, because when the time comes for you to face it, you will know much more than you think.

No, I don’t want to scare you. I just want to give you a little heads up. Diabetes is quite complicated, but it has been a blessing in disguise for us. We have gotten to meet wonderful people and to learn many things. The best part is that we’re not alone and life has been fun despite its many challenges. We’re happily married to the most amazing man in the world (I know you’re a romantic!) and he understands what this Diabetes thing is about. He will drive you crazy at times, but you’ll love him even more for that.

There are many challenges ahead, but your life will be great. You’re a smart, compassionate, sweet person. You will feel like beating yourself up at times, but don’t get discouraged. Give credit to yourself for your efforts and don’t forget you’re human. Diabetes won’t defeat you.

Love,
Big Bea

I’m one day late with this post, but the Diabetes Blog Week is probably what I need right now because I feel like I’m in a diabetes emotional rut. Physically I’m OK (apart from being tired due to fertility treatment hormones), but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so disconnected from the DOC, and that’s mostly my fault. So participating in the D-Blog Week may be just what I need to let it out out and make peace with myself.

Anyway, the first post is about admiring/embracing our differences and that is something that has has been on my mind since I attended the Weekend for Women Conference organized by Diabetes Sisters in Raleigh a couple of weeks ago. I can blame the hormones and the feeling extremely tired, but I spent my whole time there wondering why I felt so out of place. I just wasn’t receptive to any of the presentations, and when gathered in more intimate groups I put up a wall as soon as an insulin pump was mentioned. I have type 2 diabetes and most of the time I have no input when it comes to insulin use. And sad to say, most women who attended the conference are type 1. We need more type 2′s making their voices heard during these events, in my opinion.

As I tried to come up with a post to express how I felt, I thought it was just going to upset people. Because, really… I don’t wear an insulin pump, but I am a diabetic and I have my challenges every day. That shouldn’t make me put myself in a little shell of “nobody really understands me;” especially because I think it is my job to speak up about my condition and share my experience. I’ve never agreed with the whole type 1 vs. type 2 war and people thinking one is worse than the other (I still have people asking me if I have the “good” or the “bad” kind of diabetes… OMG!).

I’ve been thinking and… all that insulin pump talk? I love it! Because I learn, because when someone comes to me and asks me about type 1 diabetes I can tell them something at least. Because I learn from people whose condition is a little different than mine. Because at the end of of the day, I am grateful I don’t have to go to bed thinking if my kid is going to have a low at night, yet I pray for all those mothers of children with diabetes. Because I think people who have lived with type 1 diabetes for years are not only an inspiration, but the face of hope.

So thank you for teaching me. Keep talking about those pumps!

One of the hardest things about health conditions is knowing exactly what they are, how they work and what you are supposed to do, but sitting behind the fence just looking without actually doing something. I think it is probably more common than I think, but of course I put all the weight of the world on my shoulders and convince myself I am the worst patient in the history of patients.

The part of my diabetes I struggle the most with is weight loss. Recent developments showed me that a big part of the problem is that I have PCOS and that just unchained a whole set of issues I really do not want to discuss now. However, it has made it harder for me to lose weight no matter how much I try. Yet I don’t help myself with something so basic as exercise.

Why do I have so much trouble making it a routine? I remember I once was on a roll, going to the gym every day, lost tons of weight and felt like a million bucks. But those were special conditions, I loved my gym, the people I worked out with, the trainers and the atmosphere. It was not one of those Barbie places where people go to show their bodies. Most gyms make me so uncomfortable, I avoid them like the plague. However, that is just an excuse… I do not need to go to a gym in order to exercise.

One of the things I learned from my CDE and stuck with me is that in order to be successful, exercise MUST be fun. Once it becomes a task or some kind of torture, I just give up. I want to exercise on my own terms, doing what I like, not what other people think I should be doing. However, I do put the limitations there, because I would love to take a bike ride, yet I do not do it thinking I am way too big to be seen on a bike (the list goes on… I will spare you.)

But the time has come for me to get serious about it. About 2 months ago I joined a program at work to do a 5K run/walk and I have been trying to stick to the training, but it has become a task because I decided to do it with my boss and that is a whole other story. That being said, I cannot be exercising because other people expect me to… I need to do it because I want to and I SHOULD do it.

Big changes are coming to my life if a current fertility treatment works. Sometimes I wonder if I am just being irresponsible with what risks, outcomes, etc. But instead of putting a dent on my hopes and dreams, I think this is the time to work toward a healthier me more aggressively.

Now to find things I can have fun with!

I want to say some things to my hubby and I could write him a letter, but I want to share this with everyone. The desire came after I did a survey regarding Diabetes and personal relationships. When answering the questions, I realized that even though John doesn’t know everything there is to know about my condition (and frankly I don’t either), he cares a lot, to the point of being overbearing and I am perfectly OK with that, even if sometimes I try to be a smartass know-it-all. One of the things he repeats the most is that life is worth living by my side and that he wants me around for years to come. For that I thank him and I love him.

I think I’ve been doing well lately regarding my health. Could I be doing better? Sure! But hey… give myself a break, right? Loving myself is probably the hardest task I need to accomplish every day. Mostly because having type 2 diabetes makes me believe it is ALL my fault, that I deserved it, that I brought this to my life and that I know I can suck it and grow up. But I am smart enough to back off and realize that even though I could have avoided the insulin resistance that lead to my condition, I get nothing from blaming myself and looking back to the things that I did or didn’t do. Some days I just pat myself on the back and say “Good job!” when I know I did the right thing. But I want to do that every day, not just some days.

Anyway, what I wanted to say to my husband is:

Thank you. Because of how hard you work, I am able to afford the medical care I need to manage my conditions. Because of how hard you work, I am able to take my medications and keep things under control (I am sorry for falling off the wagon sometimes). Because of how hard you work, I can change my mind about the things I want to do to get healthy, call it trying a new diet, a new exercise program, read a new book, learn new things, enjoy life. Because of how hard you work, I can choose where I want to go to get treated and have options.

Thank you for being so supportive, for paying attention to what I eat and what I do. For encouraging me to be more active, for wanting to get active with me. Thank you for reminding me that I am someone special and that you love me. Thank you for getting angry with me when I eat that piece of cake that is probably going to send my blood glucose to the clouds. Thank you for being so passionate about my health.

Thank you for accepting and loving me exactly as I am. With my flaws and my weaknesses. You make my diabetes sweet and I love you.

When talking to my mother in law this past weekend, I mentioned I may be doing some traveling again this year to attend Diabetes conferences (and I am super-excited about it!). She asked “Does that help you?” — YES! It does… a lot. I need the Diabetes Community to keep me centered because I stray way too often. I love the fact that I can turn in to the DOC, get a reality check, whine about my diabetes, get the support and motivation I need because THEY KNOW HOW I FEEL.

It is true that I can get all the information I want by myself, but being able to share it and discuss it with tens or hundreds of people in one room makes it real, makes it mine. At the same it makes me feel like we’re one big mass keeping each other going, working together on figuring out what’s good and what’s bad. But mostly, making each other feel like we don’t have to go through this alone. We all have the same ideals and we’re making our voices heard, loud and clear.

The DOC is my “niche.” That’s what I do, it’s the role I want to have, and that’s the place I like. And if every year I get to meet with some of the members, have a good time and work hard to make things better not only for me but for everyone… then yes, IT DOES HELP.