My husband’s latest post inspired me to write down a few randoms here. It’s been a while.

- Antidepressants are really working. I feel like a million bucks!
- I’m super excited about looking for a house this year.
- In a few months I will see my mama and I can’t wait!
- I just drank a large coffee and I’m hyper.
- The more I think about it, the more I want to adopt.
- I do think 2012 will be a wonderful year.
- I’m rethinking my beliefs, but I’m not rethinking my faith.
- I’ve been reading about Unitarian Universalism.
- I like to believe everyone’s path is the right path.
- My diabetes seems to be in control and I’m proud.
- I’m currently addicted to vampire stories.
- I’ve read 7 out of 40 books this year.
- I’m still having trouble making new friends in Chitown.
- I miss my KC friends a lot, but I don’t tell them often.
- I wish I could go to KC every weekend.
- I plan to become a better godmother this year.
- I’m trying to find a good Couch to 5K program for obese people.
- I really need to kill Douchewing soon.
- I’m worried that I like my hunter better than my warlock.
- Maybe that’s why I’m not working harder at getting the legendary.
- Yeah, I’m a total World of Warcraft geek.
- I think it’s stupid to hide the fact that you play a videogame.
- Been thinking about trying Skyrim… not sure yet.
- I’m eagerly waiting for Diablo III.
- My husband says playing WoW has desensitized me.
- That means I can watch horror movies and sleep afterward.
- I think I like posting like this.
- Short sentences are good for ADD people, like me.

This is the story of a woman with recurrent depression and the bad habit of not taking her Prozac for as long as she should. Anyone who has suffered from clinical depression knows how the cycle goes: you feel like caca, you take the meds, you start to feel normal, you stop taking the meds, you feel like caca and round and round we go. That pretty much sums up my life for the last… I don’t know, 18 years? I talk about my depression as openly as I talk about my diabetes; for me, they are both chronic.

My last bout of depression hit as the days started to become shorter and no one needs to be a rocket scientist to know that winter time doesn’t help much when you deal with any mental issues. My problem is that I ignore things for too long until one day everything explodes (or should I say implode?). My home life starts to suffer, my relationships start to suffer and then I walk like a person with a death wish. It really is a time bomb, especially when I have to take care of my diabetes and that is a 24/7 job; I can’t slack.

So when I saw my endocrinologist yesterday and he saw my latest A1C the first question he asked was “How’s your depression?” and I answered “Rampant!” — I’m grateful that I have a doctor who knows I’m much more than just the test results he gets from the lab. And he was more concerned about giving me a referral to a good psychiatrist than doing any medication adjustments. He knows I will not be able to effectively manage my diabetes if I have this huge black cloud over my head making me feel like all I want to do is die because I’m overwhelmed.

Waking up is the hardest part. I look at the day ahead like a haunted forest and I have no map. But I realize that in order to keep going, I just have to keep going. Kind of like Albert Einstein said, “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” And even though I don’t want to keep going, I have the right people in my life to remind me all this is worth it and things will get better. I have people to keep me in check, I have people to make me laugh, I have people to keep me busy.

And then I have my husband, who understands what I’m going through and doesn’t judge even if I become this ubber-bitch sometimes. A husband that asks me to look at the ornaments on my Christmas tree and reminds me that we’re together, that I have people who love me and that there are people I love.

So if Prozac is what I need, Prozac is what I’ll take.

John’s grandfather passed away last week. Nobody expects their loved ones to die, but this came as a huge surprise/shock to the whole family. It broke my heart to see them going through such pain because I know exactly what it feels like. My father died more than 10 years ago and sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday; not a single day goes by without my thinking of how much I miss him. But it was comforting to see how the members of a very close family were there for each other, doing the best they could in a very difficult moment.

My sister in law mentioned that she was afraid of dreaming any more because she had a dream about her grandpa dying and it became true. In moments like this, everyone starts speculating and I personally grew up afraid of ever seeing a black butterfly because apparently it means someone is going to die. I’ve never had a premonition, I’ve never had a bad dream come true. I don’t know how true these things are and I really haven’t discussed it with anyone. Was my sister in law’s dream premonition? Maybe… I’ve heard of such things.

My mother claims she had a dream just a few nights before my brother died. My dad and her were on top of a very big, lush tree and they were looking at each other thinking “What on earth?” Then many people started arriving to the site and they were all looking at them wondering. My mom says she remembers thinking “All these people here with us, and nobody can help us.” Days later my brother died and I’ve never seen so many people at a funeral (the cathedral of my hometown was full and there were people in the street as well). There was my mother’s dream, all those people… no one could help us. So many faces surrounding us, we felt alone.

My dreams are rather mundane; I don’t remember having that many revealing ones, but I’ve had some dreams with meaning. Like when I got divorced and I dreamed I was flying… I’m sure it meant something about freedom. But most of the time I just dream of people I know. My favorite dreams are the ones where I see my dad, all smiley and shiny, doing they day to day things we used to do. I never wake up sad, they uplift me. So I’m glad he comes to visit me in my dreams.