Today’s post at TinyBuddha is about how to cope with the loss of a loved one. It’s never easy. Saying that last goodbye to someone you’ve loved dearly is one of the hardest things people can experience. I personally felt it like they were ripping my heart apart and I always knew those stolen pieces were to never be returned to me. The emptiness stays there forever, even though you learn to live in a world where your loved ones don’t anymore. The pain may recede, but it’s always there. Memories help you smile in the middle of that sadness, and then one day you look at it as part of life… people die.

Yesterday marked 23 years since the youngest of my brothers passed away. That was my first experience with death. I was 12, he was 17. One of the things that strikes me the most is the fact that sometimes I have to try really, really hard to remember his face. My brother became a stranger to me and I feel like I was robbed. You never think something like that will happen to you. After all, you’re a kid, your sibling is a kid, death is just impossible. And then they call to tell you about an accident; life stands still and you try to understand what’s going on. After 23 years, sometimes I still don’t understand what happened.

When you grow up in a big family and then you start seeing it disintegrate… it’s a hard blow. We were 5 kids, now we’re just 3 (another one of my brothers passed when I was 17, he was 26). My dad passed away in 2000. How do we deal with all this? Love… lots of it. We embrace the memories as we grieve. Like I said, the pain is always there somehow, we just learn to live with it. It doesn’t seem fair at times, but what can you do? No one escapes death.

I don’t mean to sound like a downer on this post. I’m just here thinking how capable we are to deal with loss, and it amazes me. At first you don’t think you can make it and then life proves your wrong.

I’m a sap, nothing new… that new Oreo commercial with the kids in school makes me tear up. Mostly because it’s cute but also because it reminds me that there are still nice people in the world, that being nice to others gives you a great feeling of connection. In a society where everyone is running around all the time and we’re all in some kind of rat race, it’s always good to stop and think about what others do for us and we take for granted.

I thought about it this morning on my way to work. I usually leave home around 8:05 so I don’t get stuck in the 8:04 train, but it didn’t happen today so I had to wait. Traffic was particularly heavy and the line of cars waiting to cross the rail road was long. I was waiting for a chance to get on the main street when a lady stopped, smiled at me and let me get ahead of her. I had not driven 1 mile when a lady was trying to cross the street in a rush, so I stopped, smiled at her and let her cross. I know it wasn’t a big deal, but the nice gesture from the first lady kinda made me have one of my own. And I always try to do the good deed of the day, or pay it forward… whatever you want to call it.

Mind you, there are times when I really don’t feel like being nice. Especially to people who are either rude or have hurt me a great deal. But there’s a saying in Spanish that goes something like “You’re not less brave because you’re courteous.” This past weekend I had to make use of that statement, but it didn’t feel like an effort. It wasn’t about the other person, it was about the way I want to project myself to others. It doesn’t make me better than anybody else, but I like to try to be nice and avoid being an asshat because, at the end of the day I like to believe I made other people’s life easier somehow.

Being nice is easy, being thoughtful is easy. And it makes the world a better place.

A long time ago I used to have a 43 Things list (also a 43 Places list). One day, while looking at it, I thought it was causing more frustration than anything; mostly because I wasn’t doing anything to make any of those things happen. So I deleted it and I’ve never thought about a life list anymore. And then today I read Daniel’s Bucket List and what I saw immediately is that it is simple, short, to the point, specific and non-overwhelming. Can I make one for myself too? Sure I can… the problem is, the second I start working on it I set up myself up for failure.

Yes, sometimes I think I can’t dream or wish for things because they simply won’t happen. Or I think they will require the effort I’m not willing to put into them. Or I’ve learned to live my life in a way where things just happen. I don’t know… sometimes it’s frustrating. And yes, there are many things I’ve wanted to do that I’ve accomplished, but like I said, I don’t allow myself to wish for specific things and I think it’s time to change that.

My bucket list may change from day to day. But if you ask me today what I want to do before I kick the bucket I would tell you that I want to (I’m going to stick to 10 things for now)… Continue reading →

Have you ever felt like you’re going through life barely breathing and that your sense of purpose is somewhat lost? Like your days go by and you don’t realize where time went and, what’s worse, that you didn’t reach that daily potential? It’s like walking in the middle of a dense fog; you really don’t see what’s around you, but you keep going because that’s what you’re supposed to do. And then one day, for any reason, the fog lifts and you’re standing in the middle of a clear patch wondering what the heck happened and how did you get there. It’s an overwhelming feeling. You want to wake up from the lethargy and you don’t know where to start because there’s too much to catch up with. You think you’ve done all the right things, but then you realize all the right things were missing something: YOU.

When 2010 started I had the feeling it was going to be a very interesting year. I had the project to work on getting pregnant, and that lead me to consider weight loss surgery (which I’m still deciding on, but that’s a story for another post because my doctor doesn’t think I really need it). What I never imagined is that this year would bring enough emotional turmoil to make me reconsider the way I’ve been living my life for the past… I don’t know… 10 years? I feel like a car that is about to start, but something’s wrong with the engine and it just stutters. I get all motivated about certain things and then I go back to walking through life like a zombie, not really paying attention to what’s around me. It’s frustrating, and seeing it is probably one of the most painful things I’ve had to experience because it feels like I’ve wasted a lot of time.

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