Occupy Whatever!

I thought about this today after I read the news on human rights violations during the Wall Street occupation and how cities are utilizing public force in order to keep people from protesting in public places all over the country. The mayor of Oakland, the first person to utilize force (I believe) during this event, says the people in NYC are in a “private” park and not in public domain. I’m here thinking, is there anything in the constitution that says people have the right to public assembly? I know there is such statement in both Colombian and Canadian constitutions… so enlighten me here, please.

After I graduated high school, my parents sent me to a nice private university in Colombia. A year later I decided the distance was too much to bear and I went back to my hometown, applied to enroll in a public university (one of the best in the country) and that’s where I went for 5 years. Public schools in Colombia (and many Latin-American countries) are well known for student protests, sometimes marked by violence (I had my share of escaping gun shots back in 1994, but that’s a story for another day). Anyway, many days of classes were interrupted by protests, assemblies, students demanding a better education, better cafeteria lunches, better prices, etc. A semester even got cancelled, and everyone had to graduate months later than they were supposed to. You learn to live with it; you may not be part of it, but it becomes a second nature.

I remember very well one day when one of my classmates told me I should go to protest because they were going to increase the price of lunches in the public cafeteria. At that time I didn’t understand why I would have to risk someone hitting me in the head with a rock when I really didn’t eat lunch there. At 18-19 I wasn’t fully aware that there were people who could hardly pay for their food and who struggled every single day, travelling long distances, so they could go to school. If they had money to pay for transportation, they probably couldn’t afford lunch. And there I was, kinda privileged girl who MADE the choice to go to a public university, but who lived like she was going to a private one. My friend called me an oligarch, I laughed at him and continued studying for a test while the protest went on outside.

Did I ever make part of a protest? No, not really, except against the war in Montreal, on a very cold winter morning and against the FARC when we lived in KC. Would I attend a school protest now? ABSOLUTELY. Last week, thousands of students in Colombia went out on the streets after weeks of protests, to ask the government not to make an educational reform that would greatly affect public education and people who rely on it. They said what they wanted, they occupied the streets of the major cities in Colombia, nobody was attacked with rubber bullets, water hoses or tear gas. At the end of the day the president said “OK, we won’t do it.” It worked, the protest worked, and nobody took that right from the students, to express their needs and tell the government “DO SOMETHING ALREADY!”

As I have matured, I understand the needs of many people and the intricacies of this world a little bit better. I am not blind to suffering and injustice, and I’m not blind to the reasons behind the Occupy Wall Street movement. However, my husband and I have been blessed and shielded during the current economic crisis in the U.S. We both have our jobs, we can put food on our table with no problem, our house is not going on foreclosure, etc. So, it’s hard to have perspective; and while I would never apologize for not struggling, in my head it is VERY clear that the inequality of this country’s social classes is abysmal. There we have the very rich 1%, getting richer every day and the 99% having to conform to whatever the powerful say. Does it sound fair to you? IT ISN’T.

And now we have city governments telling their people they have no right to protest? That it is unsanitary to occupy a place for so long, that it is an inconvenience to have a bunch of “hippies” soiling the streets. Don’t they see that these “hippies” are well-educated people who are tired of getting doors slammed on their faces no matter how much they busted their asses getting prepared to face the world? Instead of throwing people out, why don’t city governments help the protesters to set up peaceful protests? After all, isn’t that a human right? Yes, a human right that is being violated… in the LAND OF THE FREE.

Discuss?

Self-Hate Pro

I’ve been procrastinating on this post, mostly because I get sidetracked by other things, but also because it’s hard to admit some things in front of everybody. It all started when I saw that I was featured in the Roche Diabetes Heroes website as a torchbearer for diabetes advocacy. I read the words that described me (words I came up with myself), I saw the way I’m perceived in the Diabetes Online Community, I received many wonderful comments… yet I felt they were talking about someone else. There I was, being highlighted for bringing something good to the world and all I could think of was “God, I am so fat, I look so ugly, I don’t want anyone to see this video.” Hence I didn’t actually share it with a big number of people, but I also though “Wow, I’m on a big website of a big company and they’re saying awesome things about me.”

It was very hard to realize something good was happening to me and my self-hate came to knock me down and didn’t let me enjoy it. And that’s how it usually goes with everything I do. I’ve learned 1,001 ways to sabotage my life, my relationships, my opportunities, my HEALTH, etc. It’s quite interesting, if I may say so, to see how a person can turn everything that is good into something not so good so she can feel better about herself (yeah, exactly how it sounds). My self-hate has lead me to believe I’m not good, I’m not nice, I’m not smart, I’m not any of the things I actually am; and when someone who doesn’t like me (because it happens, we’re not perfect) comes to tell me I did something wrong I go “Right, you see? This is exactly the person I am.”

So, what am I doing to fight this thing? I really don’t know. I’ve tried it all, I’ve been in therapy since I was 18, I go up and down, I do well for a few months and then it’s back to square one. It’s like at some point I just gave up and I roll with the punches as they come and I convinced myself this is “normal.” I’ve gone so far into self-hate, it destroyed my previous marriage and now I can see it clearly, but at the same time I’m grateful that one door closed so another one is open and now I’m with someone who keeps me real and is not afraid to tell me “Hey, you’re hurting yourself and that hurts ME! STOP IT!” At some point I need to stop just listening and actually do something.

I know that big part of my self-esteem issues derive from the fact that I’m overweight, but that’s a story for another day. I can’t let this part of my life affect me so much and the best thing I can do right now is learning to accept myself EXACTLY the way I am without forgetting there is always room for improvement, especially in the health department. I have to open my eyes and bask in the love and affection other people show me. I have to learn to see myself the way other people see me. And I have to learn to stand in front of the mirror and say “Bea, you’re freaking awesome!” believing it 100%.

Doomsday Sayers? Meh!

A little bit before lunch yesterday I felt woozy and I thought it was an earthquake, but I convinced myself I was exaggerating. Then I got a message from my husband asking me if I had felt it. So yes, there was an earthquake on the east side of the United States of America and people panicked at the Pentagon. But I’m not going to discuss the news here… I just wanted to say something I’ve been thinking since I read my brother’s Facebook status about the earthquake being very “strange” and how it will remind people of the 2012 prophecies.

If we’re gonna spend our lives worried because some idiot(s) said the world is going to end on such and such day, I think we’re doomed already. I used to spend a lot of time as a kid worried because of the nuclear bomb, the apocalypse, Y2K, etc. And then one day I decided that I wasn’t going to live in fear over things I can’t control. I can’t do anything about natural disasters, if they hit us and we’re lucky to survive, then we’ll do that. But agonizing about the fact that there are predictions about cataclysms… well, too bad. Enjoy your life as it is right now, think positively, bring something good to the world, share nice things, let others have hope.

Sometimes I think “If I die today, then I’ll die happy.” I may not have everything that I want, but I have everything that I need. What good does it do to anyone to think about whatever disasters may strike? Live in the present and do the best you can to make your life worth it. Besides, there’s still a lot we can do before December 21, 2012. So let’s partay!

P.S. I hate earthquakes.

The Death of a Monster

December 2, 1993. Pablo Escobar, one of the men who has caused the most pain to my country was found and killed by the Colombian National Army. Images of his body covered in blood on a roof top were shown all over the news and people rejoiced. I didn’t… I cried. Because that’s who I am, I don’t find death funny or happy, no matter if it’s the death of my enemy.

The death of Osama bin Laden has brought memories of that December day when Pablo Escobar was finally captured/killed. Do I feel the same? Not really, but my first reaction was to wonder why people think this is a moment to “celebrate” when death is something so ugly and it’s exactly what has caused so much pain. And then I feel guilty because I’m not blind the horrors Osama bin Laden subjected the USA to, yet I look at the celebration as something just as vengeful and hateful as what he did… the whole eye for an eye. It makes me realize that violence and hate can only be fought against with the same and it breaks my heart to see what humanity has come to.

I’ve never agreed with the war. I don’t understand why people think this is a “happy” moment while all it brings is memories of that very dark day in 2001 and no real relief for those who lost someone (because killing the killer doesn’t bring the killed to life). To me, it is bitter and it shows the darkness of human nature as its best, what we can become and how far we are from peace. Call me naive, but I’m not the one with the sentiment. An article on Salon.com says it clearly: [...] We have been rightly disgusted — not only because they are lauding the death of our innocents, but because, more fundamentally, they are celebrating death itself. That latter part had been anathema to a nation built on the presumption that life is an “unalienable right.”

I don’t think this is time for cheering but a time to make peace with what has happened and to be relieved because justice has been done. A time to reflect and time to say thanks, not only to the US armed forces, but to every group of men and women who fight for our freedom all around the world. Because having to decide that death is the right thing must be pretty darn hard.

Another pretty interesting article in the Hufftington Post: The Psychology of Revenge: Why We Should Stop Celebrating Osama Bin Laden’s Death“The bottom line is that we cannot even begin to have peace until we stop the cycle of jubilation over acts of violence.”

Goodbye, Sandee

I woke up yesterday to the news of Sandee’s passing away. My heart is heavy and I’m at loss of words to express how sad I am. She was the first friend I made when I moved to Montreal, someone who opened the doors of her house and her heart to me, no questions asked. She irradiated love and she was surrounded by people who truly and genuinely cared about her. She’s left a lot of sad hearts behind, but after so many years of battling against the cancer dragon, she finally had enough… and now she rests in peace, without suffering. And for that, I’m glad… somehow.

I can see images from the moments spent with Sandee going in front of my eyes. The afternoons spent at her house, her beautiful family around her, how warm she was, the awesome tea she made for me, her love for her pets (oh, the angry cockatoo!), all her efforts to raise breast cancer awareness, the Avon goodie bags. I am fortunate to be able to say I met this wonderful woman. And although we went through a rough patch, we were able to overcome human weaknesses and my affection and admiration for her grew with the years.

The last time I saw Sandee was the night before I flew to Chicago to meet the person I now share my life with (she kindly let me stay at her house and drove me to airport the next morning). She knew how sad I was for a while and she was happy for me; I’m glad I got to share that moment with her. I never saw her again, I knew she had too much on her plate, but I never stop thinking about her.

She will never be forgotten. She’s an example of strength, love and dedication. And I will always be grateful for having her in my life. To her family, all my love and my prayers.