Craptastic Night
For the past year I’ve tried to do nothing but make wise decisions. I’ve taken risks, I’ve faced my fears, I’ve looked for opportunities to grow up and become a better person. I say my painful moments are harder to deal with now than they were before, probably because my already soft heart softened even more after getting broken and I haven’t fully recovered. I know the day will come when I can look at what happened to me and not feel so much pain, it’s already happening. But some days… some days it feels like nothing has changed.
I haven’t slept at all. Spent part of my night trying to feel better about something that has been bothering me for quite a while, and I hurt someone’s feelings in the process. Then I just couldn’t take it, the stupidity of it all. Here I was, at 3:45 a.m., calling my mother down in South America to ask her to give me some insight, asking her why after all this time of trying to do the good things, I’m doing all the wrong ones. We were on the phone for 1 hour, she giving me encouraging words and me crying my eyes out, mostly in anger because I disappointed myself.
By the time we were saying good-bye, she told me to go out for a drive, buy something to eat and come home and rest so I can keep studying for a couple of midterms I have next week. And this is the source of my anguish. Procrastination, neglect, irresponsibility. I feel like I’ve fallen back into my old (bad) habits and I can’t forgive myself. Then the anguish blocks me and I can’t, for the love of God, find a way to get my concentration back so I do the only thing I have to worry about now: study.
And I’m still awake, at 7:05 in the morning, pondering, wondering, trying to find answers to my questions. Figuring out at what exact moment did I lose balance this way. My mother heard all the things I had to say and reminded me that if I’m capable of looking at this situation and see that something’s is wrong, then that’s a good start. She also reminded me of the person I am, the person I’ve been and the person I’m becoming. She reminded me of the love I’m surrounded with, even from a distance. She, the wisest woman in my life, she who understands pain in all its dimensions, she who’s never lost her faith. She didn’t make it better or put a band-aid, but she made sure I understood we all fail sometimes because we’re human.
When I was coming back from my early morning drive, after I bought a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes, a song on the radio reminded me that I have something to look for and that I will always get: God’s help. So I cried a little more, sang the song out loud, came back home, finished my coffee, had a couple of ciggies and now I’m typing this. Am I feeling better? Not really, but if I’m capable of sitting here and reflect, it’s because I’m willing to change whatever I think is going wrong. I just needed a final push and it came when I realized I can do things better instead of bringing everyone down with me, but especially jeopardizing my own future.
My eyes are getting heavy out of sleep and tears. I’m going to rest now and hopefully in a few hours I will wake up with the motivation I need to do the important things and put aside the ones I have no control over.
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