More on Inner Circles

This is still about my last post; I think this is the day for reflections and introspection and I just want to say that I too have my Inner Circle, that circle of friends, the ones I love, the ones I read every day simply because I want to know how they are doing even if we chat often. However we don’t go making it public or using it as a shield to do as we please and intimidate everyone because we have “backup”, or because we have a supporting crew. I’m not talking about that popular bloggers issue here, but rather about the one of cliques of people who spend their time gossiping, slandering and making a cult out of their friendship, and filling other people’s comment fields with empty messages and no real meaning.

I’m glad I said NO to one of those cliques and had to face a quite ugly situation because of that, but I survived, yes I did. Ain’t it funny? You speak the truth, you say you don’t want to be a part of a clique (because friendship means more than that to you) and 5 minutes after you’re called a bitch and people start saying you’re trashing everyone to gain adepts. Yes, it happened to me and I still don’t understand what was the big sin. I had to take my blog down because the frustration, the sadness, anger and fear were taking the best of me, for I don’t like injustice and being shown as a bad person, and my own husband told me to get a grip and stop being a child. Those 3 months I was on “hiatus” did a lot of good to me; I came back to realize that many people were told horrible things about me and I discovered every thing on time to regain self-respect and the conviction that the fault wasn’t in me, or in those who were told things.

I’m going to say something quite shocking, but true: I don’t think I can really forget what happened and forgive 100% the fact that some people stepped on my dignity and my name, but I wish them NO harm. Maybe because it’s too early and because it really affected me (only God knows how many nights I went to bed crying after I received hate mail and found about new stuff about me going on, but I didn’t tell anyone because there was no point), but I’m just trying to stay away from them, for my own good and peace of mind. I hate cliques, they hurt you and sometimes they bring the worst in you because I let my anger rule my heart and I know I said a few things that hurt people and I regret it. I’m no angel, I know, but what I went through wasn’t deserved.

I tried, I swear I did, to be in contact with some of those clique-members again but my own heart didn’t feel at ease and I had to be honest with myself and say “No, I really don’t want to share any part of my life with these people”. Not because they are bad, but because they are not the kind of people I want to be around, and in the long run they proved to me that they hadn’t really changed because I had to hear things and see things that are not worth to mention, but that go against my own concept of human relationships, especially friendship. Maybe they accept life in that way, but not me. It took me a lot of courage and time to actually say this publicly and I’m sure new not-so-nice things probably will come this way, but I really don’t care anymore, considering that this bully-clique issue has been discussed. I know who I am, people who love me know who I am and that is what matters. When you really know who you are, where you come from and what’s in your heart, then you shouldn’t really worry about people saying things that you know aren’t the truth.

No, I don’t belong to cliques and I never have (I was friends with everyone in High School, because I was the designer girl, ha ha!), but I have a group of friends, a small group of friends whom I adore (you know who you are… I love you all!) and I emphasize the part about being a small group because I hate the gossip generated in large groups of people, so I always try to keep it in normal proportions when it comes to friends. There is also a list of people I’m not very close to, but that I admire and respect, and wish I could be closer to and I’ll try to do that in the new year. Also, all this blogging business allows me to meet wonderful human beings every day. All these people are more concerned about sharing something with the world, than about receiving attention/adoration from others and that’s what I like of them!

You’ll never hear me saying a whole bunch of sweet words to you because I despise adulation and excessive flattery and I wasn’t raised to be an butt-kisser or show what I don’t feel. But my feelings are sincere and if you notice that I’m giving you some kind of attention, it’s because I really care… Cross my heart!