My Worst Version
Posted: March 30th, 2004 | Author: Bea | Filed under: Thoughts | 1 Comment »Have you ever felt you’ve become the worst version of yourself? I’m feeling like that this week. My level of sympathy and tolerance towards other people is at its minimum and I don’t like it at all. From reading a friend’s weblog and thinking “Gawd, you need bigger problems, you little whining brat!” to almost screaming in the car “Oh! You poor muffin! At least you have children, bitch!” when a lady on the radio calls the show host to say she’s tired because her twins are very demanding. No, I don’t like this version of myself… at all! It represents all the things I despise in some people.
I have to confess something here: I think I’m a masochist, always picturing the worst-case scenarios when things are going well in my life. You see, my existence has always been filled with some kind of drama around, call it too many deaths of loved ones, being rejected for being fat, getting a chronic disease at a young age. So I expect something bad to happen, I can’t help it! Someone told me about the rubber-band theory, you know… it stretches and stretches and then it just goes back ballistic. And things are going so well these days I don’t have the patience when people tell me to knock on wood or that this is my year because it’s like a bad omen, how stupid am I? On top of that I imagine some people might be jealous of me… how cocky!
I need my old nice self to come back. I don’t like feeling like a bitch and I certainly don’t like the things this feeling makes me do, like eating evil carbs at a Colombian restaurant. For God’s sake, Beatriz… get a grip! Time for my exercise routine.
These are comments to this entry that I had to recover:
Exercise is a good thing… it releases endrophines which help you be happy again.
Now on the real topic, negativity is an easy drug. It is always available and unlimited, now the cure, positive thinking is also free, but it takes effect a lot slower.
Every time I feel like I am sinking back to my old, grumpy, self centered, perfectionis, John I think of how many things are under the surface that I am not dealing with… that helps me out surface things and I talk to my close friends about it.
I hope you feel better, I know how tought it is to feel like you are somehow digressing, but we are all humans and we have our good time and bad.
I always say, how would we know what good times really are if we did not have the bad ones to compare them to. :)
Posted by: logtar at March 31, 2004 10:14 AM
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*hugs* i know that feeling so very well.
the only thing i can add is, “this too shall pass”.
Posted by: lor at March 31, 2004 04:59 PM
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If we didn’t act or feel like miserable jerks and insufferable bastards from time to time, we wouldn’t appreciate the good times, now would we?
Posted by: Roberto at March 31, 2004 06:16 PM
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hey B – were u reading my blog? i’ve been doing lots of whining recently!
B, being in somewhat of the same boat, i completely understand how you feel. heck, there are days where i feel and think the same kinds of things!!
but the most important thing to me, is when i start getting down like that, i think of all the blessings and love that i do have. and also, i change my thinking to make the day positive for someone else, even though i totally feel icky and unhappy.
*hugs*
Posted by: ladybug at April 1, 2004 03:24 AM