I’ve been procrastinating on this post, mostly because I get sidetracked by other things, but also because it’s hard to admit some things in front of everybody. It all started when I saw that I was featured in the Roche Diabetes Heroes website as a torchbearer for diabetes advocacy. I read the words that described me (words I came up with myself), I saw the way I’m perceived in the Diabetes Online Community, I received many wonderful comments… yet I felt they were talking about someone else. There I was, being highlighted for bringing something good to the world and all I could think of was “God, I am so fat, I look so ugly, I don’t want anyone to see this video.” Hence I didn’t actually share it with a big number of people, but I also though “Wow, I’m on a big website of a big company and they’re saying awesome things about me.”
It was very hard to realize something good was happening to me and my self-hate came to knock me down and didn’t let me enjoy it. And that’s how it usually goes with everything I do. I’ve learned 1,001 ways to sabotage my life, my relationships, my opportunities, my HEALTH, etc. It’s quite interesting, if I may say so, to see how a person can turn everything that is good into something not so good so she can feel better about herself (yeah, exactly how it sounds). My self-hate has lead me to believe I’m not good, I’m not nice, I’m not smart, I’m not any of the things I actually am; and when someone who doesn’t like me (because it happens, we’re not perfect) comes to tell me I did something wrong I go “Right, you see? This is exactly the person I am.”
So, what am I doing to fight this thing? I really don’t know. I’ve tried it all, I’ve been in therapy since I was 18, I go up and down, I do well for a few months and then it’s back to square one. It’s like at some point I just gave up and I roll with the punches as they come and I convinced myself this is “normal.” I’ve gone so far into self-hate, it destroyed my previous marriage and now I can see it clearly, but at the same time I’m grateful that one door closed so another one is open and now I’m with someone who keeps me real and is not afraid to tell me “Hey, you’re hurting yourself and that hurts ME! STOP IT!” At some point I need to stop just listening and actually do something.
I know that big part of my self-esteem issues derive from the fact that I’m overweight, but that’s a story for another day. I can’t let this part of my life affect me so much and the best thing I can do right now is learning to accept myself EXACTLY the way I am without forgetting there is always room for improvement, especially in the health department. I have to open my eyes and bask in the love and affection other people show me. I have to learn to see myself the way other people see me. And I have to learn to stand in front of the mirror and say “Bea, you’re freaking awesome!” believing it 100%.
Someone that knows you less than I do might think of fishing for a compliment with a post like this, however I know exactly where is coming from and it is what made me like you from the first time I read something you wrote. You are a very brave person that admits the flaws that so many of us have but are not ready to admit or show to everyone else. Being that brave and open is a rare quality. Even though you sometimes have a hard time believing things, everything that you write helps others. Every time someone reads (even myself) the stuff that you write, it gives us hope in ourselves and life. You are not alone, we all go through this, and the key is to keep trying and to know that feeling shitty should not be the “normal” state of being. I love you, and thank you for sharing.
I’m right there with you – easily could have written much of this myself.
Aww, Bea. I know how hard it is sometimes. I’ve often found myself behaving and thinking in the same way, although my reasons are very different.
‘ I’ve learned 1,001 ways to sabotage my life, my relationships, my opportunities, etc.’
This resonates so much for me. Incredibly, I’ve been with my husband for over 23 years now, but that’s only because he’s occasionally even more stubborn than I am! I can’t say what worked for me, because it’s still something I struggle with occasionally. One thing I find that does help is to remind myself of all the people that love me; I remind myself that they’re not stupid people, I’m not deceiving them somehow, they love me for a reason.
You are a beautiful, wonderful person, Bea. Get used to it.
Thank you for that comment Shelagh, that really resonates with me and what I feel sometimes. I think that part of the problem is that somehow we fool ourselves into thinking that what others are saying is somehow flawed because we fooled them into believing it. It sounds weird but over complicating life is at times easier than actually accepting the truth, there are people out there that love us just who we are, warts and all.
I can really relate to this post…thank you for writing it. I wish I could just accept me and love me and all that…I’m working on it. I’ve been working on it since I was really little. I remember being 11 years old, getting type 1 diabetes, gaining weight, and feeling like I’d never be good enough. Deep down, I’m still that little girl who can’t undress in front of her husband because I can’t stand what’s there, even if he feels different. And I know being depressed and having a low self esteem sort of eggs the other on and that’s one of the most frustrating things. We can’t just snap out of it. You know what? Years ago, I went from like 170 pounds to 125 and I was STILL picking myself apart about my weight and appearance and intelligence and everything. I wish I weighed 125 again but I try to remember that fundamentally, I have to learn to love and accept myself or no matter what, I’ll continue beating myself down and that will never help conquer my depression. Sigh. I share this because I just want you to know you are not alone on a similar journey. It’s obviously not easy but I believe we can do this. By the way, you’re freaking awesome :) Great post.