Just a few days before my brother died (I was 12, he was 17) my mom had a dream. My dad and her were sitting on a big tree, many meters from the floor, looking down and there were many people surrounding the tree. They both wanted to get off the tree, but couldn’t and she said to my dad: “Look, all these people wanting to help us and no one can do anything.” — That’s how it felt when my brother passed away; there were a lot of people with us at that moment, but no one could take the pain away, no one could get us out of the dark hole, no one could help.

The big tree story’s been introduced because I always feel I’m sitting on it when there is some kind of ordeal in my life, like today. I talked to my lawyer and she told me the divorce will be final in a few weeks. I was at school when I talked to her and after I hung up I just went back to my work station and started crying. My classmates looked at me, some asked what was wrong and then they just looked at me not knowing what to say. What is there to say? What can people say about something like this? What makes me feel better? Nothing, really. I have to stay on the tree for a little longer until a magical ladder will appear and then I can come down.

But I feel vertigo. I feel physically weak after this morning’s call. This is like a terminal patient with a due date and it doesn’t matter I’ve been seeing it coming for the last year and 9 months, I’m still afraid of that due date. Scared because I’m alone here and I don’t know what’s going to happen to me when I will get notified that it’s officially over. This feels like I’m standing near a cliff with no harness. But it will be over soon… Maybe someone will catch me when I fall.