Have you ever felt like you’re going through life barely breathing and that your sense of purpose is somewhat lost? Like your days go by and you don’t realize where time went and, what’s worse, that you didn’t reach that daily potential? It’s like walking in the middle of a dense fog; you really don’t see what’s around you, but you keep going because that’s what you’re supposed to do. And then one day, for any reason, the fog lifts and you’re standing in the middle of a clear patch wondering what the heck happened and how did you get there. It’s an overwhelming feeling. You want to wake up from the lethargy and you don’t know where to start because there’s too much to catch up with. You think you’ve done all the right things, but then you realize all the right things were missing something: YOU.

When 2010 started I had the feeling it was going to be a very interesting year. I had the project to work on getting pregnant, and that lead me to consider weight loss surgery (which I’m still deciding on, but that’s a story for another post because my doctor doesn’t think I really need it). What I never imagined is that this year would bring enough emotional turmoil to make me reconsider the way I’ve been living my life for the past… I don’t know… 10 years? I feel like a car that is about to start, but something’s wrong with the engine and it just stutters. I get all motivated about certain things and then I go back to walking through life like a zombie, not really paying attention to what’s around me. It’s frustrating, and seeing it is probably one of the most painful things I’ve had to experience because it feels like I’ve wasted a lot of time.

Today’s post on TinyBuddha.com (my happy place on the internet!) is all about connecting with ourselves and finding balance. It says “When you’re not connected to your body and surrounding environment, you don’t have a strong sense of direction or purpose–you’re just floating.” And yes, I feel like floating most of the time; like I’m here, but not really here because my mind is always somewhere else, completely disconnected from my body and too focused on previous experiences or what I think my life should be. I read all these books on being happy and finding purpose and then I forget the things I learn. I gather all kinds of information on how to work on mindfulness and then I numb myself with day-to-day chores and superficial relationships because I think I’m just afraid of connecting with people as much as I’m afraid of connecting with myself.

The post I’m referring to also states that “When you’re dealing with difficult circumstances and emotions, you may feel unbalanced and even start to shut down a little. It’s all too easy to disconnect from the world when it starts to feel overwhelming.” — And as I mentioned a little bit of emotional turmoil, yes… I’ve shut down, not a little, but a lot. There’s the saying of not letting your past define you, and that’s what I’ve allowed, so I live in a constant state of pain for the things I didn’t get solved when it doesn’t really matter anymore. I find the world overwhelming, but thankfully I have someone to keep me grounded. However, I can’t rely on my husband to keep reminding me of what’s around me and now it’s time to work on it myself. It isn’t an easy task, but it needs to be done.

I realize that I’m almost always lost in some kind of thought instead of living in the here and now; and those thoughts bring nothing positive to my life for they have no meaning and no consequence. Then I get more scared when I realize that sometimes I’m more connected to the little world in my head than the one I live in. But I guess being aware of it now is going to help somehow.

It’s about time I take the time to work on mindfulness because I’m tired of just breathing.