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- Antidepressants are really working. I feel like a million bucks!
- I’m super excited about looking for a house this year.
- In a few months I will see my mama and I can’t wait!
- I just drank a large coffee and I’m hyper.
- The more I think about it, the more I want to adopt.
- I do think 2012 will be a wonderful year.
- I’m rethinking my beliefs, but I’m not rethinking my faith.
- I’ve been reading about Unitarian Universalism.
- I like to believe everyone’s path is the right path.
- My diabetes seems to be in control and I’m proud.
- I’m currently addicted to vampire stories.
- I’ve read 7 out of 40 books this year.
- I’m still having trouble making new friends in Chitown.
- I miss my KC friends a lot, but I don’t tell them often.
- I wish I could go to KC every weekend.
- I plan to become a better godmother this year.
- I’m trying to find a good Couch to 5K program for obese people.
- I really need to kill Douchewing soon.
- I’m worried that I like my hunter better than my warlock.
- Maybe that’s why I’m not working harder at getting the legendary.
- Yeah, I’m a total World of Warcraft geek.
- I think it’s stupid to hide the fact that you play a videogame.
- Been thinking about trying Skyrim… not sure yet.
- I’m eagerly waiting for Diablo III.
- My husband says playing WoW has desensitized me.
- That means I can watch horror movies and sleep afterward.
- I think I like posting like this.
- Short sentences are good for ADD people, like me.

My last bout of depression hit as the days started to become shorter and no one needs to be a rocket scientist to know that winter time doesn’t help much when you deal with any mental issues. My problem is that I ignore things for too long until one day everything explodes (or should I say implode?). My home life starts to suffer, my relationships start to suffer and then I walk like a person with a death wish. It really is a time bomb, especially when I have to take care of my diabetes and that is a 24/7 job; I can’t slack.

So when I saw my endocrinologist yesterday and he saw my latest A1C the first question he asked was “How’s your depression?” and I answered “Rampant!” — I’m grateful that I have a doctor who knows I’m much more than just the test results he gets from the lab. And he was more concerned about giving me a referral to a good psychiatrist than doing any medication adjustments. He knows I will not be able to effectively manage my diabetes if I have this huge black cloud over my head making me feel like all I want to do is die because I’m overwhelmed.

Waking up is the hardest part. I look at the day ahead like a haunted forest and I have no map. But I realize that in order to keep going, I just have to keep going. Kind of like Albert Einstein said, “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” And even though I don’t want to keep going, I have the right people in my life to remind me all this is worth it and things will get better. I have people to keep me in check, I have people to make me laugh, I have people to keep me busy.

And then I have my husband, who understands what I’m going through and doesn’t judge even if I become this ubber-bitch sometimes. A husband that asks me to look at the ornaments on my Christmas tree and reminds me that we’re together, that I have people who love me and that there are people I love.

So if Prozac is what I need, Prozac is what I’ll take.

After I graduated high school, my parents sent me to a nice private university in Colombia. A year later I decided the distance was too much to bear and I went back to my hometown, applied to enroll in a public university (one of the best in the country) and that’s where I went for 5 years. Public schools in Colombia (and many Latin-American countries) are well known for student protests, sometimes marked by violence (I had my share of escaping gun shots back in 1994, but that’s a story for another day). Anyway, many days of classes were interrupted by protests, assemblies, students demanding a better education, better cafeteria lunches, better prices, etc. A semester even got cancelled, and everyone had to graduate months later than they were supposed to. You learn to live with it; you may not be part of it, but it becomes a second nature.

I remember very well one day when one of my classmates told me I should go to protest because they were going to increase the price of lunches in the public cafeteria. At that time I didn’t understand why I would have to risk someone hitting me in the head with a rock when I really didn’t eat lunch there. At 18-19 I wasn’t fully aware that there were people who could hardly pay for their food and who struggled every single day, travelling long distances, so they could go to school. If they had money to pay for transportation, they probably couldn’t afford lunch. And there I was, kinda privileged girl who MADE the choice to go to a public university, but who lived like she was going to a private one. My friend called me an oligarch, I laughed at him and continued studying for a test while the protest went on outside.

Did I ever make part of a protest? No, not really, except against the war in Montreal, on a very cold winter morning and against the FARC when we lived in KC. Would I attend a school protest now? ABSOLUTELY. Last week, thousands of students in Colombia went out on the streets after weeks of protests, to ask the government not to make an educational reform that would greatly affect public education and people who rely on it. They said what they wanted, they occupied the streets of the major cities in Colombia, nobody was attacked with rubber bullets, water hoses or tear gas. At the end of the day the president said “OK, we won’t do it.” It worked, the protest worked, and nobody took that right from the students, to express their needs and tell the government “DO SOMETHING ALREADY!”

As I have matured, I understand the needs of many people and the intricacies of this world a little bit better. I am not blind to suffering and injustice, and I’m not blind to the reasons behind the Occupy Wall Street movement. However, my husband and I have been blessed and shielded during the current economic crisis in the U.S. We both have our jobs, we can put food on our table with no problem, our house is not going on foreclosure, etc. So, it’s hard to have perspective; and while I would never apologize for not struggling, in my head it is VERY clear that the inequality of this country’s social classes is abysmal. There we have the very rich 1%, getting richer every day and the 99% having to conform to whatever the powerful say. Does it sound fair to you? IT ISN’T.

And now we have city governments telling their people they have no right to protest? That it is unsanitary to occupy a place for so long, that it is an inconvenience to have a bunch of “hippies” soiling the streets. Don’t they see that these “hippies” are well-educated people who are tired of getting doors slammed on their faces no matter how much they busted their asses getting prepared to face the world? Instead of throwing people out, why don’t city governments help the protesters to set up peaceful protests? After all, isn’t that a human right? Yes, a human right that is being violated… in the LAND OF THE FREE.

Discuss?

My sister in law mentioned that she was afraid of dreaming any more because she had a dream about her grandpa dying and it became true. In moments like this, everyone starts speculating and I personally grew up afraid of ever seeing a black butterfly because apparently it means someone is going to die. I’ve never had a premonition, I’ve never had a bad dream come true. I don’t know how true these things are and I really haven’t discussed it with anyone. Was my sister in law’s dream premonition? Maybe… I’ve heard of such things.

My mother claims she had a dream just a few nights before my brother died. My dad and her were on top of a very big, lush tree and they were looking at each other thinking “What on earth?” Then many people started arriving to the site and they were all looking at them wondering. My mom says she remembers thinking “All these people here with us, and nobody can help us.” Days later my brother died and I’ve never seen so many people at a funeral (the cathedral of my hometown was full and there were people in the street as well). There was my mother’s dream, all those people… no one could help us. So many faces surrounding us, we felt alone.

My dreams are rather mundane; I don’t remember having that many revealing ones, but I’ve had some dreams with meaning. Like when I got divorced and I dreamed I was flying… I’m sure it meant something about freedom. But most of the time I just dream of people I know. My favorite dreams are the ones where I see my dad, all smiley and shiny, doing they day to day things we used to do. I never wake up sad, they uplift me. So I’m glad he comes to visit me in my dreams.

It was very hard to realize something good was happening to me and my self-hate came to knock me down and didn’t let me enjoy it. And that’s how it usually goes with everything I do. I’ve learned 1,001 ways to sabotage my life, my relationships, my opportunities, my HEALTH, etc. It’s quite interesting, if I may say so, to see how a person can turn everything that is good into something not so good so she can feel better about herself (yeah, exactly how it sounds). My self-hate has lead me to believe I’m not good, I’m not nice, I’m not smart, I’m not any of the things I actually am; and when someone who doesn’t like me (because it happens, we’re not perfect) comes to tell me I did something wrong I go “Right, you see? This is exactly the person I am.”

So, what am I doing to fight this thing? I really don’t know. I’ve tried it all, I’ve been in therapy since I was 18, I go up and down, I do well for a few months and then it’s back to square one. It’s like at some point I just gave up and I roll with the punches as they come and I convinced myself this is “normal.” I’ve gone so far into self-hate, it destroyed my previous marriage and now I can see it clearly, but at the same time I’m grateful that one door closed so another one is open and now I’m with someone who keeps me real and is not afraid to tell me “Hey, you’re hurting yourself and that hurts ME! STOP IT!” At some point I need to stop just listening and actually do something.

I know that big part of my self-esteem issues derive from the fact that I’m overweight, but that’s a story for another day. I can’t let this part of my life affect me so much and the best thing I can do right now is learning to accept myself EXACTLY the way I am without forgetting there is always room for improvement, especially in the health department. I have to open my eyes and bask in the love and affection other people show me. I have to learn to see myself the way other people see me. And I have to learn to stand in front of the mirror and say “Bea, you’re freaking awesome!” believing it 100%.

So John and I signed up for an ASL class at my work place and we start on September 26; I can’t wait! Many people who want to learn other languages probably don’t have sign language in mind and just the thought of being able to communicate with those who can’t hear is amazing. And as a culture, we will get to know their view of the world, so that makes it even more exciting.

I don’t know any deaf people, or at least I haven’t really gotten close to one. I recently met someone who’s deaf and I’ve been wanting to ask him so many questions, but since I’m so ignorant about it, I feel like I’m going to be offensive. The class will teach me so much.

If we’re gonna spend our lives worried because some idiot(s) said the world is going to end on such and such day, I think we’re doomed already. I used to spend a lot of time as a kid worried because of the nuclear bomb, the apocalypse, Y2K, etc. And then one day I decided that I wasn’t going to live in fear over things I can’t control. I can’t do anything about natural disasters, if they hit us and we’re lucky to survive, then we’ll do that. But agonizing about the fact that there are predictions about cataclysms… well, too bad. Enjoy your life as it is right now, think positively, bring something good to the world, share nice things, let others have hope.

Sometimes I think “If I die today, then I’ll die happy.” I may not have everything that I want, but I have everything that I need. What good does it do to anyone to think about whatever disasters may strike? Live in the present and do the best you can to make your life worth it. Besides, there’s still a lot we can do before December 21, 2012. So let’s partay!

P.S. I hate earthquakes.

Anyway, I hadn’t read Carole’s email with the analysis for a long time and I looked for it this week. Now I’m making the conscious decision to raise the bar of my t’s when I’m writing something and hopefully it will help me to have a clear view of what I want for my future as a person and the future of my relationship. John and I have been talking of getting serious about buying a house next year and I think it is time to allow myself to believe I will get a house, I will settle in Chicago and I finally will be able to answer when people ask me “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

I can tell you it isn’t easy and it looks weird to me, but my t bars are higher now.

Visit Carole’s website if you’re interested in graphology.