I don’t want to rain on anybody’s parade. This scene from Grey’s Anatomy touched me a long time ago. Christina simply describes how it is when you lose your dad. And today was a reminder that mine is gone… I’ll never get over it. But I am thankful for all he meant and still means to me.

My history with credit cards is not horrible, but it isn’t nice either. I got one while I was in college that my dad had to pay off because I wasn’t working, of course. And then I swore I was never going to get another one until I was responsible enough. But it turns out that “responsible enough” didn’t come with marriage. I don’t like to dig in the past or compare, but my building credit was definitely not one of my ex-husband’s suggestions. And then one day I found myself credit-cardless at Miami International Airport after Delta decided to cancel a flight. How was I supposed to get a hotel room? I did… It was just a pain in the butt. Then I got a copy of the ex’s CC and the rest became history with the divorce.

As soon as I was on my own and got a decent job, I applied for a Visa card from Desjardins in Canada and I obtained it fairly easily; it’s been paid off for months now. But I still see it, and it scares me. And now I have a MasterCard and another Visa I just got from Citi, with a decent limit (plus air miles that are greatly appreciated). I plan to leave them in my wallet collecting dust, though. I may like the idea of having them, but I still think there are evil forces behind them and they are emergency only.

It’s been two years of adjustment, of learning, of facing odds, of having fun, of growing faith. Two years of laughter, tears, fears, dreams and planning. But most of all, it’s been two years of love and understanding. Two years of realizing that when you believe in God everything happens for a good reason. The road that brought us here may not be perfect for the world, but it’s perfect for us. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, but here with you. Because I love you, and I will forever, until we’re old, wrinkled and trying to hit each other with a cane. Because with you I know the world is my playground and a new adventure is just around the corner.

Thank you for all you do for me, for all you allow me to do for you. Thank you for being you. God bless you today and always, and may He keep us together until death do us part.

I chose the image Inseparable, by Vladstudio, one of my favorite wallpapers sites. Amazing artist.

Mario Benedetti, a prolific Uruguayan writer whose novels and poems reflect the idiosyncrasies of Montevideo’s middle class and a social commitment forged by years in exile from a military dictatorship, died Sunday at his house in Montevideo, his secretary said. He was 88.

Called “Don Mario” by his friends, the mustachioed author penned more than 60 novels, poems, short stories and plays, winning honors including Bulgaria’s Jristo Borev award for poetry and essays in 1985, and Amnesty International’s Golden Flame in 1986. In 1999 he won the Queen Sofia prize for Iberoamerican poetry (Associated Press).

One thing I noticed since I moved to North America, is that people are constantly moving. They not only do their work, but they get involved in 8,000 different things to occupy every single slot in their planner. And it makes me feel like I’m missing something. What do I have programmed in my life? Absolutely nothing. I go to work, I do what I have to do at home, and when the opportunity presents itself I socialize. But I don’t feel the need to do something all the time or I will go nuts. For me, it is OK to stay at home and do nothing. Nothing includes, of course, reading, watching TV, etc… not just starting at the ceiling making friends with shadows on the wall.

I asked my husband once if everyone is like that here, and he said “Yes, everyone.” — I believe that part of it is that with the change of seasons, people also change. We have to prepare ourselves for change 4 times a year, so that kind of keeps us moving. That’s one explanation I can come up with.

Another one is that people need to have a sense of belonging in a society where family is not always present, and where friendships (I’m sorry to say this) lack that spontaneity well known to Latinos. I’m not saying it makes us better, I’m just saying it makes us different. We Latinos are OK with doing nothing when it comes to our free time.

I would love some input. :-)

All these ideas, feelings, obsessions, behaviors… I think everyone is like that, I think everyone feels this way. And then, knock-knock… who’s there? Reality and my therapist telling me “Girl, you have it all wrong, but we’re going to help you.” — How long will it take? No idea, but it’ll happen. So, you’re telling me I’ve been living inside this misery bubble for years, and I can finally get out? Awesome… I guess.

It’s exhausting, too, to deal with all the thoughts, the assumptions, the core beliefs that make me see the world from a very quirked perspective. Some days I wake up and I don’t know how I’m going to go through another day when I feel so unmotivated, like a zombie, connected to a breathing tube. Some other days are good, I feel good, I feel happy. And then I think there must be something really wrong with me to go up and down like a roller-coaster.

Then there’s the issue of my relationships with people, my inability to open up and make new friendships. Always thinking I’m not good enough, or smart enough, or interesting enough; that I don’t have anything to offer. Then I’m surprised when my husband tells me that people like me, and I remember a therapist asking me “How can you be so nice and kind to other people, yet so cruel to yourself?” — I don’t know! Am I cruel to myself? How? I do what I have to do, don’t I?

And then there’s my obsession for perfection, and my idea that what I think and what I believe is the right way, and most people are simply wrong. Which contradicts the paragraph above, since I have all these self-esteem crap to deal with. And it makes me judgmental or simply believe that I can’t connect with others who think differently. It is, indeed, exhausting!

But I’m getting disconnected from the Matrix. It’s taking longer than I thought, but that’s because I’ve lived in my own little world for the past 14 years, and it’s not easy to wake up. And I realize it’s OK to ask for help and tell others this can be an explanation for my avoidance and my weird behavior sometimes. And that I’m, after all, sick… because depression is a disease. But it’s not contagious.

And no, my name is not Trinity.

My husband is a person who claims to be a child at heart, so he gets excited about everything. But having one of his best buddies fly in from California is definitely among the biggest moments of his life. So when he started making plans for Daniel’s visit, I stepped aside; not because I felt left out, but because I knew this was the time for them to catch up, talk, do men stuff and put the final touches to the bonding they’ve been doing all this time online. I think it went really well, and I’m really glad. Beers at the Power & Light, scary roller-coaster rides at World of Fun, Royals game, geeky Battle Star Galactica afternoon with Kanga and Nuke… it was all fun.

John cares about people and wants to be friends with everyone. Friendship for him has to go beyond the day to day stuff, and he needs reciprocity, he needs to bond. While that is not always possible and I know he’s been hurt in the past, I’m thrilled that he has a friend like Daniel, a friend who’s there for him even through the miles.

So, thank you, Dan! You’re one of the coolest people I know.

So I spent yesterday afternoon trying to digest the whole thing about my eggs slowly drying out, getting older, biological clock ticking, etc. I have to say that I didn’t know if I should feel angry or sad. My husband spent more time than I Googling and sent me all the info I needed to understand what Perimenopausal really is. After all, I still haven’t had children and WTF? It turns out it’s OK, I can still get pregnant if that’s God’s will.

But I always have to hear it first hand from the medical force, so I called Dr. Nguyen’s nurse again this morning and I asked her if this Perimenopausal thing came after my blood work. She told me not to worry, that it should take several years before I reach menopause, etc… I know my husband will give me crap when he reads this entry, and he will say “You never believe me!” — I love you, honey!

But this new issue I’m dealing with is just one of many. A skin that people used to envy is no longer such. I’ve had to see two dermatologists in the last month. The first one I wasn’t satisfied with, so I asked for a second opinion about my Rosacea. I simply refused to spend $400 in an anti-biotic I didn’t think I needed. I was right, there are other options. But talking to the 2nd (and very nice) dermatologist, made me realize that I have to do even more than I used to do before now. Put this cream on, always wear sunscreen, check for keratosis spots, eye cream, night cream… Or maybe I should’ve started doing that years ago. But now it’s one little thing after another.

And cholesterol and blood glucose and my thyroid and the thinning hair and… Oh, dear God… This is exactly what I’ve learnt about cells starting to decrease in function. And like I said, I’m not afraid of getting old, but I guess I wasn’t prepared to come to this realization at 34.

From the Google info page:

Earth Hour invites one billion people in more than 2800 cities representing 83 countries to turn off their lights for one hour – tonight, Saturday, March 28 from 8:30pm to 9:30pm in their local time zone. On this day, cities around the world, including Paris, Sydney, London, Cairo, New York, Los Angeles and Cape Town, will join together to demonstrate their commitment to energy conservation and sustainability. [...] Earth Hour is about more than dimming lights for sixty minutes; it’s about making a commitment to reduce energy consumption throughout the year.

It saddens me that some people have made Earth Hour a political issue and think we’re just a bunch of liberals who don’t know better. It saddens me that some people don’t understand what this is really about. It saddens me that some people don’t see climate change is real, and it doesn’t matter if it’s caused by humans or because earth goes through cycles. We all are suffering the consequences, we all need to do something about it.

So tonight I’m turning my lights OFF, just for one hour. Because it DOES make a difference. We all need to stop for a minute and think that this is not about political ideas or who’s right or wrong, but about what means we use to protect this planet that was given to us.

Vote Earth. Switch your lights off, tonight at 8:30.