Yes, sometimes I think I can’t dream or wish for things because they simply won’t happen. Or I think they will require the effort I’m not willing to put into them. Or I’ve learned to live my life in a way where things just happen. I don’t know… sometimes it’s frustrating. And yes, there are many things I’ve wanted to do that I’ve accomplished, but like I said, I don’t allow myself to wish for specific things and I think it’s time to change that.

My bucket list may change from day to day. But if you ask me today what I want to do before I kick the bucket I would tell you that I want to (I’m going to stick to 10 things for now)…

Mother a child. Of my own or adopted, it doesn’t matter. My husband is probably cringing reading this because I tell him it’s no biggie if I don’t have kids, but I think it would be great and it would add wonderful things to our life together.

Take my mother on a trip to Spain. She’s always wanted to go and I absolutely MUST make this happen after all the things she’s done for me.

Play the piano. I know it’s hard and I’ll never be famous for it, but I’ve always wanted to learn and never did it before. Age is not important; I remember Jean Chrétien’s wife learning to play the piano well into her 60s.

Visit my best friend in Japan. I haven’t seen her in years and the older I grow, the more I realize I will never find a friend like her. So it’s time to see her and have fun learning about the Japanese culture. My husband would love it.

Lose weight and don’t gain it back. Yeah, tough one… but doable. It’s mostly about changing my life style because I'm tired of the yo-yo effect.

Learn another language. I already speak 3 and I want to add more. I think I’ll stick to romance languages and learn either Italian or Portuguese.

Go for runs. I so want to be like those people I see on the street jogging/running with no effort. I want to attain that kind of fitness.

Travel more. Ireland, Hawaii, Greece, British Columbia, Alaska. That’s my top list.

Get a place I can call my own. I say I like renting, but that’s not completely true. I want a craft room for me and I man cave for my hubby.

Go for walks with my husband when we’re old. That means staying together no matter what and doing everything I can to make it happen. Call it taking care of my health, taking care of my relationship, practicing kindness, patience and love every day.

Now it’s time to work on it. And there's not place for failure.

When I received a message from Amy Tenderich asking for my information to send me an invitation to the Roche Social Media Summit, my first thought was "Why me?" -- To be honest, I haven't been talking about diabetes that much lately, and moving from KC to Chicago kind of sidetracked me from my ideas and projects for the Diabetes Hands Foundation. But somehow the word got out that I could participate, share and benefit from the event. To whoever mentioned my name: I love you! I feel like I won the lottery!

Last month I was fortunate to attend the Weekend for Women in Raleigh, and a couple of days ago I was in Orlando, not necessarily visiting Mickey Mouse, but connecting with people with diabetes in social media. It's, by far, one of the most enriching experiences of my life and I'm absolutely grateful for it.

See the group on the photo above? They are people I have been in contact with for the past 3 years, some more than others, and they've been a great source of inspiration for me when it comes to understanding my diabetes and dealing with it. I tend to fall off the wagon... a lot... but I just have to go back to them to realize that I'm not alone, that I'm supported and that there is always someone working hard at getting what we need from medical companies, health care providers and everyone else involved in this cause. Yes, diabetes IS a cause and it's MY cause.

One thing is reading online and another very different one is spending real time with this amazing group of individuals. We all speak the same language, we're all after the same dreams, we all have the same wishes. Ironically, the language of diabetes is very sweet to me. But that's because of how much we care about each other, how much we want to connect and support each other. I may not have seen any of these people before, but they were no strangers to me. I was amongst friends, amongst family.

To sit in a room with a bunch of individuals who are so passionate is inspiring. We have pretty awesome leaders in the community; people who work hard every day to come up with ideas and keep us connected, not only to each other, but to companies, organizations, providers. We want to be heard and they make sure we are. We want to make a difference and they lead the way so we can do that. From a great guy named Manny Hernandez who invited me to be part of TuDiabetes.org, to David Edelman and his wife Elizabeth who keep DiabetesDaily alive and going as haven for all of us, and then Will DuBois who is committed to help those who need it the most. I'm sure I'm not making justice here, but they are a few examples of how fantastic the diabetes community is. Driven, committed, kind-hearted, oriented.

The discussions with the American Diabetes Association and the American Association of Diabetes Educators gave me a new perspective. There were so many things I didn't know! I always felt like most efforts were concentrated on patients with type 1 and it came as a HUGE surprise to learn that they feel unsupported by organizations when they're adults. Hopefully things will change and every single diabetes patient will feel and know companies and orgs are doing everything they can to not only improve our quality of life, but actually find a cure. I may not have been the most outspoken person there (love being a wallflower, anyway!), but I feel protected... yes, that's the word... protected. It's not like someone is fighting my battles for me, but someone has enough strength and leadership skills to voice the concerns I can't.

Roche did an outstanding job with preparation, travel plans, accommodations, hosting. All the reps were super nice (kuddos to Todd Siesky, it was a pleasure to sit down and talk to him!) and interested in listening in what we had to say. Every activity was handled in a very friendly manner, and for the first time in weeks I forgot about everything else in my life and put my mind and heart into the conference. So, thank you!

To each one of the people I met and got the pleasure to interact with, YOU'RE AWESOME! I'm so glad to have met all of you, and I feel privileged for making part of this community. Diabetes may not be a fun thing, but hey... it has its perks, and getting to share with you all is definitely on top.

And to finish this post, one of my happiest moments at the summit: ¡Conocí a Manny! :-D

Disclosure: Roche paid for all expenses relating to this trip including travel, lodging, meals, and incidentals. They did not ask me to post about the trip and all opinions are my own. I do not currently use any Roche diabetes products, nor were we given any free diabetes products from Roche.

When 2010 started I had the feeling it was going to be a very interesting year. I had the project to work on getting pregnant, and that lead me to consider weight loss surgery (which I'm still deciding on, but that's a story for another post because my doctor doesn't think I really need it). What I never imagined is that this year would bring enough emotional turmoil to make me reconsider the way I've been living my life for the past... I don't know... 10 years? I feel like a car that is about to start, but something's wrong with the engine and it just stutters. I get all motivated about certain things and then I go back to walking through life like a zombie, not really paying attention to what's around me. It's frustrating, and seeing it is probably one of the most painful things I've had to experience because it feels like I've wasted a lot of time.

Today's post on TinyBuddha.com (my happy place on the internet!) is all about connecting with ourselves and finding balance. It says "When you’re not connected to your body and surrounding environment, you don’t have a strong sense of direction or purpose–you’re just floating." And yes, I feel like floating most of the time; like I'm here, but not really here because my mind is always somewhere else, completely disconnected from my body and too focused on previous experiences or what I think my life should be. I read all these books on being happy and finding purpose and then I forget the things I learn. I gather all kinds of information on how to work on mindfulness and then I numb myself with day-to-day chores and superficial relationships because I think I'm just afraid of connecting with people as much as I'm afraid of connecting with myself.

The post I'm referring to also states that "When you’re dealing with difficult circumstances and emotions, you may feel unbalanced and even start to shut down a little. It’s all too easy to disconnect from the world when it starts to feel overwhelming." -- And as I mentioned a little bit of emotional turmoil, yes... I've shut down, not a little, but a lot. There's the saying of not letting your past define you, and that's what I've allowed, so I live in a constant state of pain for the things I didn't get solved when it doesn't really matter anymore. I find the world overwhelming, but thankfully I have someone to keep me grounded. However, I can't rely on my husband to keep reminding me of what's around me and now it's time to work on it myself. It isn't an easy task, but it needs to be done.

I realize that I'm almost always lost in some kind of thought instead of living in the here and now; and those thoughts bring nothing positive to my life for they have no meaning and no consequence. Then I get more scared when I realize that sometimes I'm more connected to the little world in my head than the one I live in. But I guess being aware of it now is going to help somehow.

It's about time I take the time to work on mindfulness because I'm tired of just breathing.

3 weeks ago I had the honor and privilege to attend the Weekend for Women Conference in Raleigh, NC. Organized by an amazing team from Diabetes Sisters, the conference was an opportunity for women all over the U.S. to get together and talk about diabetes and get some really good input from experts in different areas. I think it's one of the nicest things I've done for myself in a long time; to go and share with people, especially women, who are on the same boat as me and who understand the challenges of every day life with diabetes.

Sometimes it takes listening to other people's stories to be aware of your own. I came back from the conference with my motivation renewed. What I learned there is helping me not only with my diabetes, but with everything else in my life. The biggest lesson I learned there was to care for and love myself in every single way. The conference wasn't just about the medical aspects of my condition, but how it affects my emotional being; and that was probably what touched me the most. To sit there and realize that sometimes being so hard on myself doesn't help me achieve my goals.

I wish the conference was longer. It's hard to really connect with people when you have only one day. I'm looking forward to next year!

• 8 out of 10 things we get in the mail end up in the trash/recycling bin. Not to mention there's no recycling program that I'm aware of in the building, so it's mostly trash these days.
• Charity organizations spend so much printing crap instead of using the money to do other things. You wouldn't believe the amount of mail I get asking me for donations, and they have to include some kind of cute sticker, notepad or the famous address labels.
• How often do Kohl's, Lane Bryant, Bed, Bath & Beyond, etc think I want to go shopping? I don't want coupons in the mail every day!
• Grocery stores are the worst. I never look at their stuff, I pick the good prices when I shop. Don't want paper!
• Companies can't send just a bill in the mail. They have to put extra paper in the envelopes announcing products I have no interest in.

These are just a few examples, but it's driving me nuts. In a time where I want to make my life simple, companies / government / organizations are not helping. I know they have to do marketing, but really? So much? So wastefully? Someone has an hilarious post about the current Census. It's in Spanish, but she really says it like it is. They send you a letter to tell you that you're going to get a form; then you get the form; then they send you a reminder to fill out the form. What's next? A thank you card? I certainly hope NOT.

I have tried to be in the no mail list and it doesn't work. I even tried to put on a sign saying "No Junk Mail" on my mailbox. I think I'm going to sign up for online billing only. I like to keep track of what I pay, but not to the detriment of trees. Or I need a guarantee that all of it is recycled paper, and I seriously doubt it.

The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism are:

1. Suffering is universal (to be born is to suffer)
2. The cause of suffering is desire (desire propels the cycle of Samsara)
3. Suffering can be eliminated (through man's own untiring efforts)
4. There is a path to the cessation of suffering. (the practice of Dhamma)

While I'm not a Buddhist and my mother would probably sent me to excommunication camp if I ever dared to become one (just kidding, of course... not really... don't know...), I do appreciate many of the Buddhist teachings and I've been trying to follow a little bit of this ancient philosophy. Mostly because I simply want to learn to be happy and stop blaming whatever/whoever I think it is responsible for my shortcomings. I want to take responsibility of my own destiny, put all that guilt I feel in a bag and throw it in the river forever and learn to be happy with the present moment without getting anxious about what's to come. But I digress...

I've been thinking of how concentrated I am in what I haven't achieved, that I always forget about the things I've done, and the things I have. Is it human nature? Sure it is. More often than not I hear stories of people who just want more. Like one I saw on the Morning Show about a lady who lost her job, but then found one quickly after that. Her new job has nothing to do with what she's supposed to know, and she was just complaining about it; how hard it is, how boring it is, how difficult it is. And I was thinking of the many people who would give all they have to be in her shoes and actually have a job. There was an expert telling her how to do things to make her days go faster and easier. I got the idea of her frustration, but the thought made me sad... we just don't focus on the good things often enough.

Another example, more personal this time: I woke up this morning and saw our bedroom in a mess. I started getting ready for work and then I got upset because I found nothing to wear (which is stupid because I have enough clothes... more than enough). And I let it ruin the morning to the point of being rude to my husband (but of course I admitted that just now and not when he told me I hurt him). I finally got dressed and left for work. On my way to the office I held the elevator doors open for a man on a wheelchair and when we got off he gave me the most beautiful smile and wished me a very good day. There I was, almost in tears and feeling disappointed with myself for being upset about stupid things.

I was watching "Love Happens" last night. If you haven't watched it, it tells the story of a man who loses his wife in a car accident and writes a book about how to cope with that kind of loss. The trick of the movie is that he's teaching tons of people to deal with their feelings, but he still doesn't go through his own grieving process, pushing everything under the carpet and pretending life just goes on. And yes, life goes on, but in order to learn to be happy we have to learn how to deal with the losses and roll with the punches. The key is not to get stuck or use those losses as an excuse not to move on. And that would be my main problem sometimes; like I said, I think life just sucks and that's the way it is. Why try to pretend I'm happy, right? Wrong.

If there's a way to end suffering, then I'm striving to find it. If there's a way to choose to be happy, I want to learn it. I want to turn that switch on no matter what. I want my life simpler and my days longer to do more fun things. It'll be an interesting process. I think the first step will be figuring out why small stuff makes me so upset sometimes. And then we'll go from there.

I had time to prepare for about a year and a half before I made the decision. I learned the meaning of terms like DPS, DOT, aggro pulling, etc. I also contributed greatly to the wife aggro pool when the husband spent what I considered too much time playing WoW; I even thought about joining the Widows of WoW club a couple of times. Then I decided to give it a try, and the first time I created a character I thought "Well, this is too much work and too much walking." -- Not to mention John was helping with his >60 level character, so it wasn't much of a challenge for me. The first time I played WoW, it only lasted one evening. And then I decided to really play. I'm sure my husband regrets insisting so much. Hah!

When I loaded the game a couple of days ago, the daily tip was: "Take everything in moderation. Even World of Warcraft." -- Yes, it can get REALLY addictive, and it IS time-consuming. If you have the time to play without getting your life messed up, be grateful. And yes, take it in moderation. World of Warcraft is a beautifully designed game I never thought I would enjoy so much. Being a pacifist, killing things to earn something is not very appealing to me... oh well, you gotta level and get your achievements. I love watching my character(s) light up when I get to a new level, I love looking at my achievements and see how many I've gotten. But most of all, I love to explore the game, look at the places, enjoy the colors and discover (there are some places I'll skip, though -- too dark for me).

My main character is a Gnome Warlock named Trizilla who is now level 54 55. Following my husband's advice to let her rest without having to give up playing, I created alt characters: A Night Elf Druid named Zooks (22), a Gnome Mage named Mafalda (21) and my latest is a Draenei Shaman named Electrolita (14). Trizilla is definitely my favorite; I love my little demons (especially the imp, Zepkin, who gives me attitude all the time), but I'm getting very fond of my shaman.

I've met really cool people who have helped me tons (Frotobaggins, Míme, Barek especially deserve a big thank you -- and of course Super Logtar/Hollogos, our Guild Master and my lovely husband) and I enjoy the social aspect of the game very much.

People say I'm good at questing (not to mention the game is way easier to play now, but that's not my fault so don't hate me -- It's Blizzard's idea) and I'm always looking for the right dungeon. I've discovered I don't want to heal or tank, but I'll try my best to give you the best DPS (Damage Per Second) I can. I blame it on my type B personality; I don't want to be the center of attention or carry the biggest responsibility, I just want to be a great team player.

So yes, I joined the Alliance and I'm loving it. I secretly want to join the Horde, though, just to create a Blood Elf because they're pretty. ;-)

One more thing: BoondockSaints kick ass!

I am not blind to my health issues. I am morbidly obese (that took courage to write down!), I have type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol levels, a poor-functioning thyroid gland and other conditions related to my weight. It annoys me to no end when people talk to me as if they think I have no idea of what I have to deal with. Yet I don’t do enough to change things; or maybe I do but it doesn’t work.

I’ve been chubby all my life. I have tried every single diet in the book. I remember my mom making me drink grapefruit juice and other badly-tasting concoctions every morning when I was a kid. When I was in 5th grade I went to see weight-loss doctor who ended up giving me amphetamines to everyone’s dismay. When I went to college I saw a doctor who was very much in vogue with the Atkins diet. I’ve seen tons of dietitians; I’ve done the Herbalife thing and some others. In 2005 I was able to lose 50% of the weight I need to get rid of all by myself, but once I left the discipline of eating healthy and going to the gym every day I’m back at square one. It happens all the time; people think you have no will power or that you're lazy. They don't get that obesity is a chronic disease.

I’m not going to elaborate on the psychological consequences of the “Yoyo Effect.” I think I’ve managed to have a pretty normal life despite being made fun of when I was a kid, feeling rejected by the guy I liked when I was a teenager, being told I wasn’t good enough to attend a certain college where only pretty people go, etc. And while I have to admit all that has played a role in my development as a person, I think it’s a matter of personal responsibility to deal with it and take the steps to change certain things that don’t work.

So now the focus is my health and the fact that if I want to be ready for conception I need to take a very careful look at the options out there. That’s why when my OB-GYN asked me if I’ve ever considered bariatric surgery I decided that I’m going to look into it. I’ve heard horror stories and it’s scary, but there are also the good stories and it doesn’t hurt to ask. I talked to my cousin – who’s a doctor and one of the people whose opinion I value the most – and when she told me “by all means, go for it!” I knew I had to get more information.

So I’ve been reading a lot about lap-band surgery, I joined a message board and I'm going to see a surgeon with great reviews on February 2nd. From the looks of it, I’m a good candidate for the surgery, and I know it will be a long process but I think it’s worth a shot.

In Spanish we say “A grandes males, grandes remedios.” – It means the bigger the problem, the bigger the remedy needs to be. Maybe it’s time for me to think bigger.

A country like Haiti, already hit not only by political turmoil and violence, but a series of hurricanes in a short period of time... you don't think it can get any worse for the poorest nation of the western hemisphere. And then the earth shakes like it hasn't in two centuries. You wonder how those people can be on the streets singing hymns. I for one ask myself (or the universe) why do these things happen? Why do people who are already suffering greatly have to go through something so devastating? I guess I have to follow my mom's advice and don't ask why.

Some people don't seem to care much. Others realize this is just another tragedy in the world and choose not to let it get to them. But for me, this is a reason to stop and think what am I really doing to help the world, especially those in need? Sometimes I dream about joining a humanitarian mission and spending sometime in some place where I can make a difference in people's life. While that may not be realistic sometimes because my life engagements and setting, I always try to help in other ways.

Mashable.com has a great post on Ways You Can Help. Take a look at it and, please, consider helping the people of Haiti.

The biggest project of 2010 for me will be to pro-actively work on trying to conceive. For years I longed for one, it didn't happen, I was miserable, then I accepted it... and then I gave up. OK, I wouldn't put it that way; I simply started thinking that if it was God's will for me not to have children, I would accept it without question. And when I married John, one of the things that I loved the most about him was the fact that, while he would love to have kids, he really didn't care if we could or not. After all, there is always adoption.

But when I saw my new endocrinologist last week, and he asked me if I wanted to have kids, he could see it in my face... that I gave up. Then he asked the key question, "Have you actively pursued pregnancy? Like with a fertility doctor?" -- I really never thought about it, I thought fertility clinics were for women who wanted to have in-vitro fertilization or artificial insemination done. And then I realized that I never really looked into it. Then I came across this book I'm reading called "The Fertility Diet" which has become a jewel because the first thing it's teaching is that ovulation problems come from a poor carbohydrate metabolism. Hello! Diabetes, anyone?

And there I was, at Doctor Benjamin's office, thinking that it is going to happen for me. He actually was more excited than I was, but also very realistic of the plethora of things I have to do first in order to give my reproductive system a chance. The biggest one is losing weight and getting my endocrine system in order. And while I got all kinds of props for a normal A1C and good diabetes management, I am not very proud of the weight management. But I am not going to elaborate on that... no point.

I'll see the dietitian next week and start from there. Then, hopefully with my new job I'll be able to join the school's fitness center. And just for laughs, when John told me we could exercise at home and I said "What about cardio?," he replied "Honey, we're fat. Any kind of exercise will automatically become cardio for us." -- Now, that's the spirit. ;-)

And that's my non-resolution #1. I'll have others, but they are stories for another time.